Easter Saturday Virtual Racing at Thorpe Bay Yacht Club
by Horatio Cuthbert 13 Apr 2020 15:04 BST
11 April 2020
Sandhopper Nationals at Thorpe Bay © Linda Snow
Easter Bank Holiday Saturday, the sun is shining, and a steady 20-25 kt westerly is teasing the fleets... The usual "shall we shan't we" shuffle is occupying the helms at the top of the slip.
The Sprints are going anyway, lead by Darren who wants the wind to build. Rob Bailey has started crying quietly to himself as he knows he can't back out but is secretly scared as the white tops are starting to fill the bay.
Burrell and Beasley are sitting with that smug look all over their Chevy chases as this is their weather. Tony Padbury is up for it he's just conducting a search for Faz who is hiding like an Easter Egg in a hunt. Janet to the rescue as she spies said Faz under a beach hut and drags him out by his ankles. "Come on Paul I'll look after you" she says as his nails firmly grip the ground.
Rupert arrives. Speedos, flip flops and a bucket hat. He's race ready. Rod follows; hi-fits, life jacket, flares, epirb and all-important snorkel. He's played this game before. Howard's no fool he's got Mike and George as crew 'three up boys? Come on let's do this '
Bazza arrives he has his lightweight super Aimee ready to go. Takes one look at Howard's team and grabs Lewis Brake from the bar to come lend a hand. This is race time.
Mark Robinson and Gary team up; four of them as safety in numbers. Dellboy arrives laughing as usual him and Richard will be fine. Who needs more weight downwind?
Thompson is sitting back quietly he's eyeing up the shufflers on the slip. Slim pickings he thinks so he waits. Hopper bundles in, he and Alex are good to go. Hopper's been out fettling all morning and he's ready. Alex is nursing a large hangover but the thought of beating Burrell and Beasley is starting to sober him up.
Nigel has rocked up, boat launched and wants it. He's got Bill and Duncan from the bar and has promised them a top three position. OMG the Clarkes are here! Big cheers to see Ken and Chris, at least we know one boat that will be doing a port hand flyer!
Thompson spots Chris Maloney, he will do. Chris starts to pray to his god, your god, any god that will listen and will keep him safe from the beasting that awaits.
RFT has decided that it's too windy for his laser today so he talk Boshier into going in Primo. It's a winning boat and between them they know this stretch of water better than anyone.
Wiseman Crawford has volunteered to be race officer with Margaret, he's no fool he knows what awaits the hungry pack of fools.
Adrian bunting is sobbing like a new-born baby. He doesn't want to go out there with the monsters. Jess pleads with the Sandhopper fleet to borrow a boat so she can show the old man that you can sail in winds over 5mph. Chas donates his boat Remedy so long as he can join in.
All of a sudden, Sandhoppers are top dog must haves. The hurricane fleet are busy looking to borrow. Only the Sprints refuse to come to the dark side. They are a breed apart.
Jeremy and Julian grab fat bloke Steptoe as ballast as that's his number one position and they commandeer Apollo as Mark is abroad again sunning himself.
The new Hopper rib appears. That means we are definitely going. This machine is faster than a speeding bullet. Two flags and Speller are today's saviours and busy they will be.
Faz tries to run for the hills but Janet has him tethered, he's going in Phoenix whether he likes it or not. The crews shuffle down the slipway the waves are getting bigger but the sunshine is beating down and it does look fantastic out there all be it a bit scary.
The Sandhoppers are dancing on their moorings like a scene from a mosh pit. Getting onto those beauties will be fun. Rupert discards the flip flops, speedos bucket hat as Rod is all he needs. Bazza has rushed back from Tesco. 24 gin and tonics 15 packs of jelly babies that should keep Aimee going.
The rib is in and getting on it is like trying to get on a bucking bronco. Rupert straddles the bow. One foot in the rib one on the slip he helps manhandle the mad fools aboard. Two flags attaches the kill chord and starts the engine. "Go easy Tony this baby bites" shouts Hopper.
Toby makes sure the coast guard is on speed dial and Maloney performs the last rights on himself.
This is going to be epic.
Two flags edges away from the slip for the first leap of faith from the Sandhopper fleet.
The first wave engulfs the bow and soaks Rupert through to his speedos. Not a great look but he's smiling and has started to recite some cobblers to Polly who is praying for deafness before her eyes glaze over and fall out.
Two flags manoeuvres the turbo charged Hopper Howitzer with perfection to drop the supreme athletes onto their prestige craft.
Hold on... The Daly's are waving like mad on the slip. As per usual, they're late to come to play and have grabbed Yoda (aka John Richards) to bolster the team.
Matt rainbow has decided to nick satisfaction and has teamed up with Mark (closet Sandhopper wannabe) Petty Mayor for extra ballast and tactical support. Mark has gaffer taped Wes Absolom to his chest like a baby in a swaddle. A few extra pounds up top will test Mark's Finn thighs to the max as he hangs his entire body over the side of the boat with just his ankles inside the gunwale. Rainbow reminds him that they need to take the cover off first and put the rudder on.
The sails are hoisted and are flapping like a blue bottle in a jam jar.
The fleet charges out towards the committee boat to prepare for battle. Flying up and down the start line are the sprints, John Laliberte is grinning like a Cheshire Cat as his sprint screams past out of control, but he doesn't care that's what insurance is for.
Phil is cursing the last race officer as he cannot find the black flag. He knows the boys will be chomping at the bit on the start line and he needs to keep control. Margaret has a plan... the speedos! 'Not on my watch' shouts Phil, Margaret sits down and sulks. Rupert would have happily given to the cause, after all he'd have still had his bucket hat on.
The gun is fired and the countdown begins. 5-4-3-2-1.
With a hundred metre start line fifteen Sandhoppers are all aiming for the same 2 metre slot, apart from the Clarke's port hand flyer, Nemesis is on her own (a bit like Chris will be when his wife realises he's not mowing the lawn and has sneaked off sailing).
Thompson shuts the door on Alex in the green machine, at full pelt he puts the bow into the back of SS4 for the second time in 12 months. Fortunately, rotund Hopper acted as a giant airbag saving Alex from two black eyes.
Burrell and Beasley hit the line with perfect precision and lead the charge. It is noted by the fleet that the gladioli and rubber hose that Burrell used in the nationals to beat Beasley with have been replaced with a cattle prod that was purchased from eBay for £4.99. Beasley is now looking like the Duracell Bunny bouncing all over the place.
As the windward Mark pops into sight. Bazza and his trusty crew are first round, he cracks open a gin and peels back the lid of the chocolates. Close on his heels and looking rather menacing is Speedo Boy and a rather worried looking Rodders.
Speedo launches the kite and boom; they surge into first place. Rodders puts on his snorkel he knows what's coming, with the mast swaying like a metronome. U14 starts to make her way to her favourite resting place at Davy Jones' gaff. Standing to attention and saluting like Benny Hill, Speedo Boy starts to sing the national anthem as the water flows ever deeper. Rodders utters words of encouragement along the lines of 'let's swim old chap it's a lovely day' as the fleet zooms past, offering support by way of laughing so hard that even Polly's glazed eyes are full of tears of joy.
Yoda had coached the Daly's into first place as Bazza's crew were polishing off the gins and he was busy stuffing himself with jelly babies, he'd dropped the ball.
Thompson was having a luffing duel with Dellboy. Maloney was fashioning a budda out of the spinnaker bag in the vague hope that Devine intervention would save him from this madness.
Howard and co were busy pumping. rocking and ouching their way downwind, if only they'd put the sails up imaging how far ahead they would be.
RFT and Boshier were riding the waves like a seasoned surfer edging their way closer to the stern of Rainbow who had somehow come out of nowhere to be in the mix. His crew -MPM, was smiling ear to ear he'd never had so much fun or been so fast in a boat.
With the line fast approaching the wind had increased to 25-30kts. The waves were getting bigger and spray was clearing the decks.
Faz had been ordered by Janet to close his eyes and hang out. After she explained again, a red faced Faz readjusted his hi-fits and sat on the windward side (how could he get a simple instruction so wrong?). Wise old Tony had seen the shift coming from the right, with Janet trimming and Faz acting as a canting keel, Phoenix had taken a massive lead.
The rest of the fleet were so close it was anyone's game for second place. Toby and Two flags decided it was time for Rodders and Speedo to have a ride in the big yellow bird. With Rotas clattering they were lifted to safety by a rather lovely man in rubber and flippers.
This brought back memories of some of the wild parties at TBYC and good times that are always had dancing into the small hours having had one or two toffee vodkas and of course being Hopper'd.
Two blasts of the horn are always welcome in such challenging conditions and a massive cheer goes up from the balcony as Tony Janet and Faz take first place.
So, what did we learn in the bar from today's event?