Football vs. Sailing – An interview with the Riverside Stand
by Michael John Gifford 30 Mar 2012 22:57 BST
The vintage Merlins race past Craven Cottage during their open at Ranelagh © Nick Price
I have a small confession to make to anybody who has read any of my articles in the past – They are not necessarily devoid of a little poetic licence and do on occasion tend to a rather rose-tinted view of the world. I will hold my hands up and admit that Shustoke does not have velvet curtains in the changing rooms and that the Thames rarely glitters like a string of diamonds in the evening sun.
Having now relieved myself of that guilty secret I would like to point out that there is a lot of truth in my writing as well. It is a fact that if you are after top quality competition on a stretch of water that provides truly three-dimensional racing and the potential for hundreds of thousands of spectators then there is nowhere better than the Putney Reach at Ranelagh. What you may not know is that this oasis of inner-city nautical dreams is under threat! Rather than simply describe the problem to you in a stream of literary prose, I have taken my life in my hands and gone undercover to interview the only figure more threatened than the sailing itself. Part of this interview is reproduced here:
MJG – So, Mr. Riverside Stand, can you shed some light for my readers about what is going on at Craven Cottage?
Mr. R. Stand – Going on? Well I guess much the same as what usually goes on. Normally it is pretty quiet. I just kind of sit by the river watching the cormorants fishing and the rowers going past. Then once or twice a week on the lovely lawn in front of me some very young and slightly unruly men play football.
MJG – Do you enjoy watching the matches?
Mr. R. Stand - I have to admit I am not a huge fan of football. It all seems rather dull. Normally I try and watch the sailing out the back. That seems to be where the really skilled sportsmen are. I love the way they slide up beside me catching the merest zephyr of wind to sneak back from Hammersmith to Putney.
MJG – So are you saying that even though you are a football stand you prefer to watch the sailing?
Mr. R. Stand – Oh, I think you are a bit confused. I am actually a sailing stand that due to an unfortunate error involving a copying machine and a mirror got built back to front. The problem is they concreted my feet into the bank so for the last 39 years I have been facing the wrong way. It has given me a terrible crick in my neck.
MJG – I hadn't realised you were a sailing stand, it must be terrible being all the wrong way round. How much of the sailing can you actually see?
Mr. R. Stand – Well, it isn't so bad. I can still see most of what goes on. The racing is so tight and frantic. I particularly love watching that old bloke. I don't know his name. He has been going backwards and forwards along the river behind me since I was a pile of corrugated iron and cement powder.
MJG – I think you mean Christopher Edwards?
Mr. R. Stand – That's the one. Is he related to the beautiful Sarah Edwards? I don't see much family resemblance. She doesn't seem to come down so much, but I like seeing her when she is here. I remember when she was just a little toddler, always squashed into the front of a National 12...
MJG – Can we change the subject a bit? What are your views on the plan to replace you?
Mr. R. Stand – Replace me? What with? Why don't they just get my feet out of the concrete and let me turn round? Why would I need replacing?
MJG – Well, I am not quite sure how to put this. Fulham Football Club want to build a bigger stand. It will be a lot higher and go further back so that it hangs over the river. The sailors think it will ruin this stretch of river for the sport.
Mr. R. Stand – I'm shocked. Nobody mentioned this to me at all. I will have to call my manager. It's outrageous. I have been patiently putting up with all this football stuff for years whilst waiting to be turned round and now you say they want to replace me! Bigger, higher? Why would a stand need to be bigger and higher? It would ruin what little wind there is round the back of me. It would be the end of sailing round there. I already feel guilty enough about standing in the way each weekend but as I said, they concreted my feet to the floor back in 1973.
MJG – So you don't support the scheme?
Mr. R. Stand – Support it? I am dead set against it now that I know it is happening. If only I knew how to write I would be writing to the local MPs, to the council, to that Mayor with the floppy blonde hair. If my feet weren't concreted in I would be tempted to get a placard and campaign outside the Town Hall in Hammersmith. Maybe I can get some of my friends to help.
MJG – I am so sorry to have been the one to break the news to you. Good luck with getting a campaign going.
Mr. R. Stand – No need to apologise, thanks for bringing it to my attention. I still can't believe they are planning to do that. I will have to have a word with my old friend the Windward Mark and see if he can think of a way to stop them.
Take a look at the new Craven Cottage Riverside Stand plans and read more on the London Evening Standard website.