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Skiffybob View Drop Down
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    Posted: 05 Dec 09 at 10:48am

Sent to me by daughter No.1.

These are extracts from Harry Potter books, where the word "wand" has been replaced by the word "willy".

 

"Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his willy hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent."

Draco whipped out his willy, but Harry was prepared and his willy was in his hand before draco could react....

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's willy, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his willy very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

"Yes, very handsome. And is it working well? I always think willies require a little breaking in, don't you?"

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised willy.

Harry hurried along it, stumbling now and then on the uneven floor, holding his willy out in front of him.

Harry took the willy. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the willy above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.

"Harry looked down at his own Willy. He could see finger marks all over it..."

Mrs.Weasley slammed a large copper saucepan down on the kitchen table and began to wave her willy around inside it. A creamy sauce poured from the willy tip as she stirred.

Ron attempted to mend his willy with spellotape

"Willy out, Potter." Harry moved into his usual position
12ft Skiff - Gordon Keeble and the Furry Fly-by
AC - GBR271 - Whoosh
B49 - Island Alchemy
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dave.blakesley View Drop Down
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Posts: 314 		Post Options Post Options   Quote dave.blakesley Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 09 at 9:18am
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a Taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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radixon View Drop Down
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Posts: 2407 		Post Options Post Options   Quote radixon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Nov 09 at 8:35am
bump
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Oct 09 at 8:44am
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

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hollandsd View Drop Down
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Posts: 853 		Post Options Post Options   Quote hollandsd Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Oct 09 at 1:02pm
LOL
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tack'ho View Drop Down
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Posts: 1100 		Post Options Post Options   Quote tack'ho Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Oct 09 at 11:34am

I got a random e-mail the other day, I didn't ask for it and god knows where they got my address.  It said  G A N B

 

 

Personally I think it's bang out of order.
I might be sailing it, but it's still sh**e!
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Skiffybob View Drop Down
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Posts: 842 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Skiffybob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Oct 09 at 8:32pm

I thought the punchline was going to be:-

Paddy now runs Ryanair!
12ft Skiff - Gordon Keeble and the Furry Fly-by
AC - GBR271 - Whoosh
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winging it View Drop Down
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Posts: 3958 		Post Options Post Options   Quote winging it Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Oct 09 at 4:07pm

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'  
 
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
 
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'  The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'   
 
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'     The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'     
 
 Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'  
 
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' 
 
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500  tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'  
 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'    Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.' 

 

Paddy now works for  t he Royal Bank of Scotland
the same, but different...

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Contender 541 View Drop Down
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Posts: 1402 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Contender 541 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Sep 09 at 6:54pm

Originally posted by winging it

A reply to Rio

404

Not 404



Edited by Contender 541
When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss

Crew on 505 8780

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winging it View Drop Down
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Posts: 3958 		Post Options Post Options   Quote winging it Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Sep 09 at 3:33pm
Reply to Rio

the fixed version!


Edited by winging it
the same, but different...

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