there are many funny emails going about and well i think the best ones could be shared on here. try and keep them tastefull or im sure mark will have to be removing them

After every Quantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which

>>conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during

>the

>>flight that need repair or correction.

>>The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot

>>completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics

>>read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial

>>action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review

>>the form before taking off.

>>

>>Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

>>

>>Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses.....

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >(Quantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Something loose in cockpit.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Something tightened in cockpit.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Dead bugs on windshield.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Live bugs on back-order.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Evidence removed.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: DME volume set to more believable level.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: That's what they're there for.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: IFF inoperative.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Suspected crack in windshield.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Suspect you're right.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Number 3 engine missing.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Aircraft handles funny.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Target radar hums.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >P: Mouse in cockpit.

>>>> > > > >

>>>> > > > >S: Cat installed

At check in (Quantas I believe)

Long queue of hassled people as its gone pear shaped again....

Stroppy Business type pushes to the front of the queue and says.....

Stroppy Businessman : Come on, I must get onto this flight I have a very important meeting to attend.

Check in Girl (dead pan): please can you return to the back of the queue I have many people to sort out.

SB : No, I am travelling first class, I must get to the Meeting
CIG : OK sir, but these people are also travelling first class, please wait your turn in the queue

(First class check in desk....)

SB: But I must attend this meeting, get me on this plane NOW
CIG: Sir, there are many others in this queue, I am sure have equally important business to attend to, please wait your turn in the queue

SB: Do you know who I am ?
CIG: No, but I still will serve these people first, they have been in the Queue longer than you, please wait your turn in the queue.

SB: Well, F**k you (and storms off)
CIG: Sir, (he turns around, thinking he has got somewhere at last), You will have to wait in the queue for that too.

Hurricane, you might have opened the floodgates here. The mail you posted earlier was the first funny e-mail I received in my first account, back in 1993!! As someone said elsewhere, everything gets recycled

Anyway, here's one series:

>Where do they get them from?

>I went to Tesco’s tonight and used my credit card to pay for £62 of groceries and the woman on the till asked me if I wanted cashback.  I requested £50 which she cheerfully gave me.  So my shopping really only cost me £12.  Who says the supermarkets are ripping us off?

>I was also delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was ‘outstanding’, particularly since I can’t even remember sending it in!

>Who says doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush?  Last year I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.

>Note to the manufacturers of Dulux “Once”.  I think the word you are looking for is “Twice”.

>I visited my GP last week complaining of a sore throat and stiff neck.  Imagine my surprise when on being told that I had absentmindedly swallowed a flute!  

>What a load of rubbish this new ‘foil wrapped bread’ is.  It’s supposed to last for 7 days.  I ate mine in two. 

>It’s been said that alternative comedy, and Ben Elton in particular drove Benny Hill to his grave.  That is ridiculous.  We did.  B.Blacklock & sons, Funeral Directors, Southampton.  

>Psychologists tell us that it is practically unheard of for stalkers to attack the objects of their obsessions.  This must be of some comfort to the 50% of The Beatles who haven’t been shot or stabbed.

>If moths like the light so much why don’t they simply come out during the day, instead of flapping about outside windows and crashing into car headlights all night long?  Besides which, during the day, bats won’t eat them.

>They say that football is a game of two halves.  Not for me it isn’t.  I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

I've got plenty more, but not all in the best taste possible

Still, I'm looking forward to other postings.

This is simply a joke, but as it was once sent round by e-mail (a long long time ago) I suppose it fits;

Prince Charles was driving his Range Rover round the grounds of Buck house, power sliding and handbrake-turning and generally enjoying himself thinking of being king, when one of Her Majesty's Royal Corgis ran out in his path. He tried to swerve, but,alas, a sickening bump and squeal marked the demise of the unfortunate mutt. Charles was beside himself with worry, the dog was dead, outright stone cold type, and been mangled thoroughly in the bargain.

"What is one to do?" he fretted "Mother will be furious".

Aha! he thought, I'll use the lamp!. For our prince had an oil lamp, passed down by generations of Princes of Wales, which contained a Genie, only to be used in cases of dire emergency. Charles knew it had been used twice already... but he needed it now!

Without further ado he took the lamp ( he always kept it handy) and gave it a rub.. 

 Alakazam!

The genie appeared.  "Who has awakened me from my deepest slumber?" boomed the Genie.

"Er, I have, rather" said a nervous prince.

"Ooh, 'ello gov'nor, didn't see ya darn there, me minces ain't wot they used to be"

(Because not all genies come from Persia) "Wot's the ol' problem then me ol' china?"

"well", say Charles, and he points out the dog.

"Ooh, aah (sucking in breath noises) cor blimey guv, this looks complicated. I'm good me, but this'd take more than me powers could 'andle. Naw, sorry guv, I dont fink this is a feasibubble proposishon like. Best i can do is 'elp ya bury it an' we'll say it must've ran orf"

"well, Ok, that's a plan.. " says Charles, "sorry to have bothered you.." and he makes to put the genie away in the lamp.

"Ooh naw mate, I wouldn't be doing that, not if ya want ya wish like. I'm obligated I am to grant ya fird wish see, and if ya don't take it, that's ya lot mate"

"Hmm I see... " say the prince "Well, can you make Camilla beautiful?"

"Err... lets 'ave another look at that dog"

"

It's a very good one!

Are you related to bigwavedave, by any chance??

Not at all!

A friend sends me stuff on a regular basis, here's her latest... take the test!!

http://www.dr-joe.net/shemale/Shemale.htm - http://www.dr-joe.net/shemale/Shemale.htm

I took the test, and got them all right!

A man sees his wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks

"What you were begging me to do last night" she replied

"I wasn't asking you to COOK MY SOCK"...........

OOOh thats borderline, David!!

be careful!!!

Well, if you take it like this, here is another one. And I know I'm skating on thin ice here. There are very young people about!!

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. 

The pharmacist's eyes grew big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! "That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Well, that one was quite tame compared to some others - without sinking too low!!

I'll post them later

PS. After the watershed!!

Bit dodgy this one...

Two palestinian grandfathers are sitting on a bench enjoying the sunshine and showing each other photos of their grandchildren.

First one says - this is my eldest grandson, he became a martyr two years ago at the age of 19.

The other man nods knowingly.

Then the first guy brings out another photo and says - this is my second grandson.  He became a martyr last week.

Second guy answers - Ahh, they blow up so fast these days...

Sorry.

  oooooooooooohhhhhhhhh, Blobby!

you're lucky we're open-mined *minded, here!

As long as you avoid blonde or French jokes  

Is there a secret you're not telling us?? So I presume it is proper coffee that you drink not lovely english tea?

Anyway, can't do french jokes - the missus is half french. (and no I won't tell you which half...)

Blobby, that was brave...v. funny though

I've got a load of what I consider to be funny e-mails/jokes but if my previous posting was on thin ice I think I should refrain.

No blonde jokes... oooh are you asking for it!

Three blondes on a desert island.

1st Blonde " Ooh I wish I knew how to get off this Island. I'm just not brainy enough"

2nd B " Yeah"

3rd B "lovely"

Then, whilst walking around the beach, they find a lamp (genie type)

1st B "Ooh look, a lamp"

2nd B "yeah"

3rd B "lovely"

So of course, they rub the lamp to make it all shiny, and before you can say, oh, it's happened before I said it, a genie appears.

1st B "ooh look, a genie"

2nd B "yeah"

3rd B ( I think you can guess by now)

So, they are duly granted three wishes.

The next half hour is spent with thee genie explaining it's one wish each.

The first wishes to be clever enough to get off the island.

BOOM - She's a redhead, she hollws out a log and paddles off.

The second wants to be even cleverer

BOOM - She's a brunette, she builds a catamaran and sails off even quicker.

The third wants to cleverer still

BOOM -

She turns into a man and walks off over the bridge.

lol good one!

Why are blonde jokes so simple?

So brunnettes can understand them!

What to wear, What to wear??

 sjm. I thought you were a friend...

A blonde walks in a bar and asks the barman for a double-entendre.

So he gives her one...

Yeah, but a blonde French teacher. That evens things out quite a bit, doesn't it??

i was never good at french at school by any lenght of the imagination! however when I was working in the vendee(region, not race!!) last summer i perfected my Franglaise!

after a few beer's i was sure every french person could understand everything i was saying! looking back, that may not have been the case... you never know i may improve this year!

My wife and I got by alright in Rome speaking Italian ... didn't work so well in paris though.. wonder why?

I just end up sounding like the policeman in 'Allo 'Allo anyway.

Well, last time I went to Paris, there were so few people speaking French I ended up speaking English for a while... Yeah, I was going up the Eiffel tower... Not so many locals go there for a quick Kir!

Contender443 might get upset if I responded honestly to that one...

Are you sure you're on the right thread with this posting, Blobby?

Got sent this yesterday, better than average...

Subject:Moral of the story...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three  wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten."

The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do
realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's  okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only  for me. "So, KAZAM!" she's  the most
beautiful woman in the world.


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The
frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine. "So, KAZAM!" she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."




Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers:  This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good. :)



Attention Male readers: Please scroll down.












The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them  continue to think that way and just enjoy the show..


PS: If you are a woman and you are still reading this, it only goes to
show that you women never listen!

Aaah ah!

Let's go back to the topic of the original posting... Airplanes...

Got a very long list here, far too long to post at once. It's supposed to be genuine, who knows? All I say is, se non è vero, è ben trovato.

Here is the beginning:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

Just got this email through:

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

How about:

"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat"

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*T and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

one of the mastercard ads that somehow didn't make it to tv...

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/14/The+Crazy+Kids/stream - http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/14/The+Crazy+Kids/stream

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

whoo hoo!

I've got so many of those you wouldn't believe! Just watch this space!! 

B.n.S. do you have something against engineers, or is that what contender does when he is not on here? 

Anyway, this is one of my lectures favourites....

What is 1 + 1?

ask a mathematitian and he will say "2" but will ask what you mean by "1"

ask a statistition and he will say "there is a 95% chance of it being between 1.9 and 2.1"

ask an engineer and he will say "its 2, but we'll call it 5 to be on the safe side"

I don't do enough of what I am supposed to as I am now Far Too Distracted from work.

Nope, he's no engineer, that would be a little close to home

Since you're begging for it, here is the classic:

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

And Phil, I'm not having digs. I'm just amazed that some perfectly normal-looking human beings can have such bizarre brains....  It's curiosity more than anything else (anthropology / entomology, who knows ).

With regards to your joke, I would have to take issue with it, and say that from an engineering point of view it has a factor of safety of two, and that the econimist would be the one complaining that the glass was bigger than it needed to be!  Yes I do realises this proves a point about the mind of an engineer (or at least mine), but who am I to argue with my genes!

That's another thing about engineers! It runs in families!! Are you all related, have you all got a common ancestor??

And what about the very first engineer?? What was his Dad's job???

Dunno - but I'm definitely a 3rd generation engineer, and my eldest is in distinct danger of becoming the 4th generation...

Phil you appear to be a consultant saying the glass has an FOS of 2.  Mind you a Hairy a%sed contractor wouldn't argue about the size, he would ask if he could get away with a paper cup instead of the glass...

"God created man in his own image" Genesis 1:27 

So in answer to your questions:  Yes.  Yes.  Adam.  God.  Respectively

Ahh Blobby, you're my friend - and you've blown one of the jokes I had in stock!!

Let me think a bit, I'll find others soon

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake **** at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your **** and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Looks like none of the self-confessed engineers are online, so it's time for me to post a new one

 Understanding Engineers - Take Three:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

I actually really like this one!

 Draughtsman.

Went to hospital the other day, saw a sign "Thieves operate in this area"... I know the NHS are short, but I thought at least I'd get a medical student...

Doctors name on the door "Dr G.Ore" (yes thats true)

In the corridor was "Fire Assembly Point"... they think I'm gonna wait...

Try

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html - http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

and don't forget to put the sound on!!

For the youngest forumites, I'm told that Rainbow was a kids' TV series in the 70s-80s. I can't tell, it was before my time! 

(before I arrived in Britain, that is...)   

You must have at least 3 left - they were all on the same original email after all... 

For everyone who said... Banana Whooooooo??? (I did - me no English - me no understand ), have a look at:

http://www.whom.co.uk/whom/bananasp.htm - http://www.whom.co.uk/whom/bananasp.htm

The first one to identify bigwavedave gets a prize!

That's because you're growing up, ian. Wait a few more years and you'll be like us, parents, boring the kids with the Wombles or Bill & Ben...

Gotta go, there's a re-run of Tweenies first series I dont want to miss  

Hey, no engineers this time!!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

I'll be back for more a bit later today

Ohh well, since you're around, Blobby, I can't resist this one...

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Spelling and the frech psyche...

In England and Spain when you are ill you go to the hospital, yet in France it is a Hopital...

Conclusive proof that only frogs hop...

(Apologies for the poor effort - only instant coffee today)

But there are advantages to being an engineer - this is an extract from our job descriptions at my company...

Physical Demands– indicate frequency of exposure:

Limited (monthly/occasional), Regular (weekly/moderate), Extensive (daily/frequent)

I am required to carry out regular fingering and grasping - way hey!!!!!!

Best of British
 
Be very proud to be British Because:

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

 

RULE BRITANNIA!!

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."

Yipeee it's the weekend!

Here's another engineer joke, especially selected for Blobby (he won't see it til Monday  )

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

What are you doing here at this time of night?? You're going to be shattered tomorrow!!

Night night Knightmare, see you tomorrow