I must admit to using some of these at work especially the box of hair one

 

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. He has less going on upstairs than a one story house. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter. A few bricks shy of a full load.

Originally posted by Worthy  *  AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.  Brilliant!

haha, that is inspired

*  If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.



 *  Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from
the   washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check
that it has gone.



 *  Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the object you wish to view.



 *  Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.



 *  Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but You'll also be getting paid for it.



 *  Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing
in the first place.



 *  Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.



 *  Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.



 *  Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.



 *  Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.



 *  Anorexics.
When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.



 *  An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.



 *  Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.



 *  Smokers.
Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the
butt of your last one.



 *  Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference.



 *  Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.



 *  High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.



 *  Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.


   *Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.



 *  A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.



 *  Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone
with whom you disagree.


 *  Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.



 *  At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.



 *  Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.



 *  A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.



 *  AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.  Brilliant!



 *  HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley
and the other in your coat pocket.



 *  OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

great

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.."