best funny emails

Spot on les5269..... fortunately I had my reading glasses on.

Dam Permits

This is a riot. Read the whole thing! This is supposedly an actual
letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of
Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is
hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response
letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County


Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring
Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being
Sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated


The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding
at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed, so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division



** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N ; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,
Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across
the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could
ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, and their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic.


As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.


My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request?? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324 .30101 to 324.30113
of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.


I have several concerns. My first concern is .. aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so
the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's
dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent
rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should
leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and
calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please
contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter...they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).


So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
12/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.


In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods.? I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)


Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.


Thank You,
Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

Just to cause a bit of trouble !!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
 

1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
 

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun.


We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits/legal from these accidents .

We played with worms(well most boys did) and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The BIG type is because your eyes are shot at your age