best funny emails

Got this the other day.. "the A-Z of sailing"

A - Anchor:

Any of a number of heavy hook shaped devices that is dropped over the side of a boat on a length of rope/chain, deisigned to hold the vessel securely in place until

a) the wind exceeds 2 knots

b) the crew depart

c) 3 am.

Aneroid Barometer:

Meteorological instrument which sailors use to confirm the onset of bad weather. It's readings, together with heavy rain, severe rolling, high winds, dark skies and deep cloud cover indicate the presence of a storm.

Boom:

1)laterally mounted pole to which sail is fastened and used during gybing to shift crew members to a fixed horizontal position.

2) sound made when a spirit stove is used to convert boat into a liquid asset.

Binoculars:

Entertainig shipboard kaleidoscope which when held up to the light reveals interesting patterns caused by salt spray scratches and thumb prints. Uncapped, its lens may be used to collect small amounts of salt from spray through evaporation.

Catamaran:

Boat design involving two hulls therefore twice as likely to hit something or develop a leak, yet taking twice as long to sink.

Chock:

Sudden and unpleasant surprise suffered by spanish seamen.

and so on.....

Hydrophobia:

Basic test of fundamental sanity.

Overboard:

No longer On Board ship, usually by falling off of one. One of the limited occasions when disembarkation from the vessel implies a shortening rather than lengthening of the life span of the individual involved.

Spinnaker:

Large baggy balloon-like sail trailed in the water in a big bundle from the front of a boat in order to slow it down.

Swimming:

A form of solo waterbourne navigation, often employed after going Overboard.

Windward:

The direction the wind is coming from, also known as

a) the way back to land/marina/slip way,

b)  the direction you'd like to be going in,

c) the direction that doesn't involve being stuck on a lee shore

d) the direction that will become downwind as soon as you no longer wish to be going that way.

Xebec:

Small three masted mediterranean sailing vessel or a useful word in Scrabble.

Zephyr:

Warm, pleasant breeze named after Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes and unreliable forecasts.

What are you doing here at this time of night?? You're going to be shattered tomorrow!!

Night night Knightmare, see you tomorrow

Yipeee it's the weekend!

Here's another engineer joke, especially selected for Blobby (he won't see it til Monday  )

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."

But there are advantages to being an engineer - this is an extract from our job descriptions at my company...

Physical Demands– indicate frequency of exposure:

Limited (monthly/occasional), Regular (weekly/moderate), Extensive (daily/frequent)

I am required to carry out regular fingering and grasping - way hey!!!!!!