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A preseason refresher course:

To best prepare yourself try these quick exercises:

1. Buy a case of beer, sit with it in a very warm place for a few hours, and then drink it.

2. Apply sunscreen to your face in streaks and sit in front of a sun lamp for 2 hours

3. Sit on a bench with large metal fixtures cutting into your legs, stare straight up into the sun for 2 hours - for a more robust workout: invite 4 friends to come over and yell at you the whole time

4. Go out and get very drunk, sleep 4 hours, then stand on a rocking chair for 6 hours

5. Go to bank and withdraw £1,000 - then light it on fire

6. Sit in front of a commercial fan and have someone throw large buckets of salt water on you

7. Repeat number 6 in jeans and a sweatshirt AND/OR repeat number 6 with head turned sideways to ensure water lodging fully into ear drum

8. Cut limb off  nearby tree, tie ropes to it, stand on rocking chair with tree limb and ropes - hold them over your head for 3 hours... at 5 minute intervals drop on your head - more robust version: have friends yell at you in 6 minute intervals

9. Set your wrist watch to 5-minute repeating counts... let it go off all day long

10. Pour cold water in your lap and give yourself a wedgie, now alternate between sitting and running around bent over

11. Tie ropes between 2 trees - push your body against them as hard as you can for 6 consecutive hours - don't stop for pain or bruising

12. Place sandpaper on your stairs, crawl up and down on your knees for several hours

13. Make 12 sandwiches on white bread with bad meat and cram them into a bread bag - eat one a day for 12 consecutive days... make sure the last one is peanut butter and jelly if preparing for Race Week

14. Tie ropes to rear bumper of friend's car, hold on tightly, but allow rope to slip through fingers as car drives away - TIP: works best with nylon fibre ropes, lengths in excess of 50'

15. Upon completion of previous 14 drills - sit down and drink 14 Mt Gay rum drinks, any flavour

Ohhh Miaow!

That might be one of the reasons why Romance is pretty scarce for you these days, KnightMare ... With this kind of philosophy, you'll drive them away!!!