best funny emails

The Secrets of a Happy Marriage

From R. Hynes of Mornington

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a little restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes on Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney, mine in Melbourne. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread-maker. When she says she has too many gadgets and nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair.

Remember that marriage is the Number One cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know that her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to her for eighteen months: I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".

In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman. And since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Did I read that sign right??   In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

DRINK  MATHEMATICS

 

  This is pretty neat how it works out.

  This is cool beer math!!!!!!!

  DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

  It takes less than a minute.......

  Work this out as you read.

 

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

 

 

  1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have a drink. (try for more than once)

 

 

  2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)

 

 

  3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

 

 

  4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................

 

 

  5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755.... If you haven't,  add 1754 ...

 

 

  6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

 

 

  You should have a three-digit number

 

 

  The first digit of this was your original number

  (i.e., how many times you want to have a drink a week).

 

  The next two numbers are .......

 

 

  YOUR AGE!  ~  (Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )                                          

 

 

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT

GENIE

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.  The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there,  find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."  


So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."  When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.  A man reclining on the couch asked,

"Are you the people that broke my window?"  

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.  

"Oh, no apology is necessary".


"Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.  Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."  


"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and : blurted out,    "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."  

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.  And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"  


"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.


"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.  

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,  burglary and natural disasters!"  

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,genie?"  

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with  a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."  



The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"  She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"  You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"  

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.  After about three  hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and  looked directly into her eyes  and asked,  

"How old are you and your husband?"  

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.   

....
 

"No Kidding," he said. 




...


...




"Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies!"


 

remember the one about the US ship and the lighthouse well look at this video!

 http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/montana.wmv