best funny emails

Congratulations to all those born in the 80s 90s and more recently.

Due to leaps forward in technology over the last 50 years you are now brighter, better educated, cleaner, fitter, wiser and generally more efficient than those who came before you. You are human 2.0 if you will.

The major step forward by human 2.0 is the ability to look forward. You understand that which you achieve is not for the direct benefit of you, but it is for the benefit of your planet and your children. When you are old you will smile at the world around you and see all that you have done that is good.

Human 1.0 was unable to do this. Human 1.0 will look around and see all they did not have. Human 1.0 cannot comprehend the new improved world it lives in so Human 1.0 complains and tries to prevent Human 2.0 from enjoying the new better world. Human 1.0 is the past, old model. Human 2.0 is the happy bright future.

Good luck and again congratulations!

 

Anyway,

back on topic, just got this one.

I parked my car in a disabled bay and as I alighted from it a member of the sub-human species known as ''Traffic Wardens'' saw me and duly asked what disability I had.
"I have a mental disability known as Tourettes", I said. "Now f**k off you c***!"

(edited for the sake of the forum)

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work & Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t & Ass-kissing that will put you over the top

HILARIOUS!!!!

A man and his wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband “You can have her shipped home for £3000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £300.” The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would definitely have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked “Why would you spend £3000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend £300?”

The man replied “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that risk”.



Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir,"how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of sex she ever had in her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied,

"How did you know my name was Katz"?



Edited by The Moo