best funny emails

Have we had this one before?

Kids Wisdom?

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11
"A puppy always has bad breath-even after eating a Tic-Tac."- Andrew, age 9
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mum when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8

"Never tell your mum her diet's not working. " Michael, 14

Edited by Contender443

Alright, here's another accent-based one (albeit an old one):

 

[Finding no sheet on his bed, an Italian calls reception in a New York hotel]: "I wanna sheet."

[Reception] "Go to the bathroom."

[Italian] "No, no you donna understanda me. I wanna sheet on my bed!"

[Reception] "You filthy son-of-a-bitch!"

 

[At breakfast the Italian orders two pieces of toast, gets one] "I wanna two piece!"

[Waitress] "Go to the bathroom."

[Italian] "No, no I wanna two piece on my plate!"

[Waitress] "Go to the bathroom! You son-of-a-bitch!"

 

[Later, at dinner the Italian has only a knife] "I wanna fork!"

[Waitress] "Don’t get fresh, Mister."

[Italian] "No, no you donna understanda me. I wanna fork on the table."

[Waitress] "Get your ass out of here! Son-of-a-bitch"

 

 

[Dismayed, the Italian goes to the airport and is approached by an evangelist] "Peace on you, my son."

[Italian] "Piss on you too, you American sonofabeach, I go back to Italy!"

Classic!!!

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
 "You Sign! You sign!"
 
 Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
 
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
 starts to yell louder,
 "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts
 the door in his face.
 
 The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
 When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
 He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
 "You sign! You sign!"
 Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
 "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again !

 The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
 On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
 "You sign! You sign!"
 Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
 This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
 "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" 
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:
  


 (Wait for it)



 

 (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
 




 "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"