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Contender 541 View Drop Down
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Joined: 05 Dec 05
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Posts: 1402 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Contender 541 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: best funny emails
    Posted: 10 Mar 09 at 7:38pm
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in cute containers.

He got an A.
When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss

Crew on 505 8780

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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Mar 09 at 8:00am
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something."A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry.

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get up? I'm starving."
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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Mar 09 at 10:22am

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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bert View Drop Down
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Posts: 584 		Post Options Post Options   Quote bert Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Mar 09 at 7:12pm

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE


A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles...

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.....'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
sh*t?   

 
Phantom 1181
AC-227 IC 304
blaze / halo 586


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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Mar 09 at 11:08pm
SOMETHING TO PONDER OVER

Common knowledge?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following employee statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shop-lifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same  group that cranks
out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline.
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Roy Race View Drop Down
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Posts: 275 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Roy Race Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Mar 09 at 9:41am
I'd love that to be true, but it sounds like BS to me.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Guests Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Mar 09 at 10:26am
Originally posted by Roy Race

I'd love that to be true, but it sounds like BS to me.


It doesn't sounds so unreasonable, as long as you take into account that the
number of people arrested were more than likely acquitted (under some
crappy get-out-of-jail-free-card technicality) and so no big deal was made
of it. The 3 having done time does seem dubious, though by no means out
of the question.

You could accuse me of having read too many books by Michael Moore but
I'd say it in fact sounds very likely indeed!

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Andymac View Drop Down
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Posts: 852 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Andymac Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Mar 09 at 12:11pm

Originally posted by Doug.H

The 3 having done time does seem dubious, though by no means out of the question.

I thought 3 was dubious as well, I would have thought the figure would have been much higher!

 

 
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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Mar 09 at 10:22am

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Mar 09 at 1:44pm
LARRY is in Room 232 at the Hospital


Okay, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?, she said, shaking her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

Well for one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital
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