best funny emails

An elderly couple, Helen and Bert, moved to Texas

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some
on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'

Helen looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Helen, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Helen looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression,

Helen replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

Originally posted by Roy Race I'd love that to be true, but it sounds like BS to me.

It doesn't sounds so unreasonable, as long as you take into account that the
number of people arrested were more than likely acquitted (under some
crappy get-out-of-jail-free-card technicality) and so no big deal was made
of it. The 3 having done time does seem dubious, though by no means out
of the question.

You could accuse me of having read too many books by Michael Moore but
I'd say it in fact sounds very likely indeed!

SOMETHING TO PONDER OVER

Common knowledge?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following employee statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shop-lifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same  group that cranks
out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline.

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."