best funny emails

Just received this ans suspect it might be a repost but made me chuckle again all the same.......

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned ! with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But! the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces, without spilling a drop, into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat! and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet......


ate the cookies........

drank the milk.......

crapped on the paper.......

humped the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......


filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation..............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave........



AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY YOU SHOULD WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Zen Teachings    

       

1.   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not   walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

   

2. Sex is like air.  It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

     

3. No one is listening until you fart.

   

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

   

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

 

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you   criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

   

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.  

   

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

   

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind   screen.

   

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

   

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

   

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

   

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

   

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

   

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

   

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass .... then things just keep getting worse.

   

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest, 'Father, it has been one month since my last confession:
I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'

The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession:
I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies

'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.'

The next morning at mass, the Priest is preparing to deliver his homily when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'

The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.

PREGNANCY Q & A and more!

Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes Uni.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: What's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are at Uni .

My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting
the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke
its legs with a golf club.


Apparently clumsy people are more likely to be obese.
That's because they keep walking into things....
Like McDonald's.


The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album...
It's mostly drum and bass.


A survey across England, asked the general public whether they
preferred to be known as 'British' or 'English'.
The overwhelming majority answered, "Polish."


A man is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach.
"That's not going to help," says his wife.
"Yes it will," replies the man. "It's the only way I can see the bloody numbers!!"


Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my
donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.


I got a phone call from British Gas to say my bill was outstanding.
I said, "Thanks!"



A local gay bar was burned to the ground last night.
The blaze was attended by 80 fire-fighters....
along with 40 Red Indians, 30 Construction Workers and 20 Cowboys.


I'll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride.
She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!


Don't hit children.
No, seriously: they have guns now.


I slept with one of those 'high class' prostitutes the other week.
I'm not happy though, the bitch gave me lobsters.


I read that Simon Cowell is extremely wealthy and spends 500k
on his personal security every year.
Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper if he tried to be a little bit less of a tw*t?


My younger brother's an example of what can happen to people
who get involved with drugs...
A Porsche and his own house by the age of 20.


I've just been fired by Pepsi.
I tested positive for Coke.