best funny emails

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
------------------------------------------------------------ ----------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
------------------------------------------------------------ ---------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Bath Tub test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

A woman in a supermarket hurries to the express line with a few items and says to operator,
"Excuse me. I'm in a hurry. Could you please check me out?"
The operator looks her up and says, "Well, a bit wide in the hips but nice tits".

There was a young girl from Nantucket
Who, at sea, had to wee in a bucket.
The skipper said "Jessie,
We don't want to get messy,
So THINK about which way to chuck it!"

A  golfer playing in Ireland hooked his  drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a  little Leprechaun  flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the  golfer's ball  beside him.

Horrified,  the golfer got his water bottle from the  cart and poured it over the little guy,  reviving  him.

'Arrgh!  What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm  afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the  golfer  says.

'Oh,  I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank  God, you're all right!' the golfer answers  in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and  I  apologize.'

And  the golfer walks off.

'What  a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.  I have to do something for him.  I'll give  him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he  ever  needs, and a fantastic love life.'

A  year goes by and the golfer is back.  On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there  waiting for him.

'Twas  me that made ye hit the ball here,'  the little  guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer  golf  game?'

'My  game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.  'I'm  an  internationally famous golfer now.'  He adds, 'By the way, it's  good  to  see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer  yer  golf  game, you know. And tell me, how's yer  money situation?'

'Why,  it's just wonderful!' the golfer  states. 'When  I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100  bills I  didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.  And tell me, how's  yer  love life?'

The  golfer blushes, turns his head away in  embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon,  c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun.  'I'm  wanting  to know if I did a good job.  How  many times a week?'

Blushing  even more, the golfer looks around  then whispers,  'Once, sometimes twice a  week.'

'What?'  responds the Leprechaun in shock.  'That's  all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's  not bad  for a Catholic priest in a small  parish.'