best funny emails

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms but kept the same tag-line . .. .

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.
Tesco Condoms - every little helps.
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper.
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide.
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin.
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - it's dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim ! ! ! (Please).
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service.
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of a animal.
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole.

A man and his wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband “You can have her shipped home for £3000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £300.” The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would definitely have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked “Why would you spend £3000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend £300?”

The man replied “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that risk”.



Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir,"how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of sex she ever had in her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied,

"How did you know my name was Katz"?



Edited by The Moo

HILARIOUS!!!!

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work & Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t & Ass-kissing that will put you over the top

Anyway,

back on topic, just got this one.

I parked my car in a disabled bay and as I alighted from it a member of the sub-human species known as ''Traffic Wardens'' saw me and duly asked what disability I had.
"I have a mental disability known as Tourettes", I said. "Now f**k off you c***!"

(edited for the sake of the forum)