best funny emails

Top tips

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the impression a very small horse is approaching.

CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.

EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a dodgem car anyway.

ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.

HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.

SHOP ASSISTANTS: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.

My money's on the yellow one!