best funny emails

It's so annoying when your helm is singing this awful song and your concentrating on sailing!!

2306 members x2 gives £4612 is this enough?

Early Retirement

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP ( sever late aged personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement tales place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired-Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may only be SLAPPED once and SCREWED twice but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment) unless he.she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependants or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has recieved HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on the board that the company will contine its policy of training employees through our Special High-Intensity Training (SH*T). We take pride in the amount of SH*T our employees recieve. We have given our employees more SH*T than any other employees in this area. If any employee feels they did not recieve enough SH*T on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you recieve all the SH*T can stand

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us

The Management