best funny emails

The Cremated Husband


Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.......................

"Joe, you know that dishwasher that you promised me?. I bought it with the insurance money."

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Joe, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing he fingers in the the ashes she said "Joe, that diamond ring you promised me? bought it too with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said "Joe, remember that Blow Job I promised you?"

"Well here it comes.........."



Edited by The Moo

Thats great

The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' her husband demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,' she replied.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! Ye've no knickers. Why not, b' Jasus?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For all that's holy an' the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Och, Maggie! Where are yer drawers, th' noo?'
She too explains, You dinna gi' me enuff pennies ta be able ta affarrd any.'

Jock reaches into his pocket and says: 'Well fer the love a' St Andrew, an' the sake a' decency, here's a comb lassie. Tidy yerself up a bit!!'

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same", says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Edited by landlocked