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| Laser 28 - Excellent example of this great design Hamble le rice |
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best funny emails |
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landlocked 
Far too distracted from work 
Joined: 06 Oct 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 222 |
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 Topic: best funny emailsPosted: 19 Jan 08 at 1:28pm |
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THE OLD ONES ARE STILL THE BEST!
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! . The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.' |
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Cherub 2535 "Eggbert the Nasty" Soon to be for sale PM for Details
Cherub 2657 "Slippery When Wet" Don't sail fly Cherub |
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GBR884
Posting king 
Joined: 06 Nov 07 Online Status: Offline Posts: 132 |
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Posted: 19 Jan 08 at 1:05pm |
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As soon as mark showed me them one liners i said that i thought they were Nigels kind of jokes!! then i found out it was you that posted them!! Love them!!! Adam |
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Webmuppet
Really should get out more 
Joined: 11 Mar 06 Location: Suffolk Online Status: Offline Posts: 534 |
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Posted: 18 Jan 08 at 9:37pm |
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One liners:
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34 Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. Chris Addison at the Pleasance I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly |
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I am the milkman of human kindness, I will leave an extra pint (Billy Bragg)
Graduate 2530 'Galaxy' |
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PeterJCh
Newbie 
Joined: 15 Jul 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 21 |
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Posted: 14 Jan 08 at 2:39pm |
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~~ Music: I Can See Clearly ~~
NEW VIRUS Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the 'Senile Virus' that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it. So be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960! Symptoms of the Senile Virus: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments. 6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished the e-mail. Remember??????????? I don't remember if I sent this one out........ I don't think I did...or did you send it to me?? Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 7. If all is not lost, where is it? 8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere. 16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. 23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT! 24. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen. I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think... |
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PeterJCh
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MRJP BUZZ 585
Really should get out more
Joined: 05 Mar 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1496 |
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Posted: 11 Jan 08 at 3:15pm |
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All of the recent ones are pretty funny
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Black no sugar
Really should get out more
Joined: 04 Dec 04 Location: Somewhere between Brighton and Lancing Online Status: Offline Posts: 3941 |
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Posted: 11 Jan 08 at 3:06pm |
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Brilliant! |
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rogerd
Really should get out more
Joined: 25 May 04 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1076 |
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Posted: 11 Jan 08 at 3:01pm |
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pompeysailor
Posting king
Joined: 16 Jul 07 Online Status: Offline Posts: 101 |
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Posted: 09 Jan 08 at 4:46pm |
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An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all." |
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pompeysailor
Posting king
Joined: 16 Jul 07 Online Status: Offline Posts: 101 |
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Posted: 09 Jan 08 at 4:39pm |
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently... Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag." |
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pompeysailor
Posting king
Joined: 16 Jul 07 Online Status: Offline Posts: 101 |
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Posted: 09 Jan 08 at 4:37pm |
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1. Open a 'new file' in your computer.
2. Name it, 'Gordon Brown.' 3. Send it to the 'trash.' 4. Empty the 'trash.' 5. Your computer will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Gordon Brown?' 6. Firmly, Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better? Next week we'll do David Cameron |
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BUZZING IS FUN 
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