best funny emails

STUD ROOSTER

 

 

A
farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old
rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot
handle
ALL of
these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just
let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young
rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up

and I am
taking over."
The old rooster says,

"I tell you
what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken
coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance,
old man.
So,
just to be fair,
I will give you a head start."


The old
rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front
porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the
gap.

He
is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the
front porch
when
he sees the roosters running by.
The
Old Rooster is squalking
and
running as hard as he can.
The
Farmer grabs his shotgun and
-
BOOM -
he
blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his
head and says,

 

"Dammit.....
third
gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral
of this story? ...

Don't
mess with the OLD FARTS -
age,
skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always
overcome youth and arrogance!

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit (as you would) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want.

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.
'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
'Yes, she has' he says.
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.
















'We're having a new kitchen

If you insist!: -

A catholic priest and a nun are part of a missionary expedition in North Africa. Nothing goes right for them, they are attacked by bandits and just manage to escape on a camel when a sandstorm hits them. After 5 days of being chased through the desert they are just about out of food and water when the camel suddenly drops down dead. Realising that this is the end they sit down and wait for the tribesmen.
"You know Father, there's only one thing I regret about taking holy orders" says the nun.
"Really? What might that be Sister?" asks the priest.
"Well, I was very young and there are things I never learned. For instance, how is the spark of life implanted?"
Embarassed, the priest replies "Through a man's penis".
"Oh." says the nun. There's silence for a few minutes before the nun speaks again: "Father......Do all men have a penis?"
"Yes Sister"
"Do you have a penis?" asks the nun
"Yes, of course, Sister" replies the priest
"Great! Stick it up that camel's arse and let's get the **** out of here"

Nice one

Keep them coming

Ways to Annoy Santa Claus

1.Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2.While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3.Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. 4.Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
5.While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
6.Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
7.Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
8.Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
9.Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
10.While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
11.Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
12.Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
13.Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
14.While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
15.Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
16.Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
17.Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
18.Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
19.Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
20.Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
21.Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."