best funny emails

My missus says I’m immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk… Like that’s gonna happen in the middle of conker season.

If the words associated with sailing are a complete mystery to you read on to find no help
whatsoever:
Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats
approach one another
Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour
entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany
or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.
Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members
to a fixed, horizontal position.
Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much
Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on
their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.
Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold
beer
Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates
two or more grounded boats
Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.
Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in
spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.
Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17
Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is
made.
Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this
happens on the first try.
Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery
Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or
boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side
of the boat.
Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting
passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and
thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long
enough to be converted into unwanted calories.
Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.
Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while
keeping fresh air out.
Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the
square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the
time in hours to sunset cubed.
Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent
type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.
Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.
Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re
encountering them in the immediate future.
Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above
water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.
Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.
Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions
are generally favourable.
Motor Sailor
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and
serenity of a throbbing engine.
Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing
under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining their last meal. Most hardy Ocean
Racers are distinguishable by the scars left from their lobotomy.
Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at
point K, point Q, and point Z.
Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit
Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex
science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.
Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.
Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.
Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid
colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.
Regatta
Disorganised sailing competition that pits your luck against your opponents’ luck.
Sailing
The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at vast expense.
Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact
latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the
earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.
Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single
thing that goes wrong.
Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides
to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and
heads all at the same time.
Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide
sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try
to leave.
Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always
over it.
Yacht Owner
A person who used to have some disposable income

Don't laugh at Australia, they have enough problems with the weather.