best funny emails

WHEN CILLA MET SEAN

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun.'

So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful, but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.

Cilla complies with the routine and the results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!

That's brilliant!! I've now saved that address to my bookmarks.

How to run your finances

 
It was a slow day in town, snow was on the ground....the streets were deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from the east is driving through town. He stops at a hotel and lays a £100 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
 
The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to retire his debt at the local public house – it has been tough times.

The publican takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her services on credit.
ll
She, in a flash rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor now places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
 
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money & leaves.

NOW, no one produced anything...and no one earned anything...however the whole town is out of debt and is looking to the future with much optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen is precisely how the British, U.S. and Canadian Governments are conducting business today.

 Idiot sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING 1
My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the
girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence
piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I
did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..
Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at
that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4
horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park ,Nr Watford UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar , Herts ,  UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxhey Herts , UK ...

IDIOT SIGHTING 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee
asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport ..... UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK

IDIOT SIGHTING 7
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic "It's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK ..

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO
VOTE and REPRODUCE!
 

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday"!

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...




stark bollock naked............