best funny emails

Where do they get them from?

   there are many funny emails going about and well i think the best ones could be shared on here. try and keep them tastefull or im sure mark will have to be removing them 

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hurricane Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 15 Mar 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1047	Post Options Post Reply Quote hurricane Report Post Quote Reply Topic: best funny emails Posted: 07 Feb 05 at 6:48pm
	there are many funny emails going about and well i think the best ones could be shared on here. try and keep them tastefull or im sure mark will have to be removing them

hurricane Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 15 Mar 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1047	Post Options Post Reply Quote hurricane Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 07 Feb 05 at 6:49pm
	After every Quantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which >>conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during >the >>flight that need repair or correction. >>The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot >>completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics >>read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial >>action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review >>the form before taking off. >> >>Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. >> >>Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses..... >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >(Quantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.) >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Something loose in cockpit. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Something tightened in cockpit. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Dead bugs on windshield. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Live bugs on back-order. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Evidence removed. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: DME volume unbelievably loud. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: DME volume set to more believable level. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: That's what they're there for. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: IFF inoperative. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Suspected crack in windshield. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Suspect you're right. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Number 3 engine missing. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Aircraft handles funny. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Target radar hums. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >P: Mouse in cockpit. >>>> > > > > >>>> > > > >S: Cat installed Edited by hurricane

Scooby_simon Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 02 Apr 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 2415	Post Options Post Reply Quote Scooby_simon Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 07 Feb 05 at 7:56pm
	At check in (Quantas I believe) Long queue of hassled people as its gone pear shaped again.... Stroppy Business type pushes to the front of the queue and says..... Stroppy Businessman : Come on, I must get onto this flight I have a very important meeting to attend. Check in Girl (dead pan): please can you return to the back of the queue I have many people to sort out. SB : No, I am travelling first class, I must get to the Meeting CIG : OK sir, but these people are also travelling first class, please wait your turn in the queue (First class check in desk....) SB: But I must attend this meeting, get me on this plane NOW CIG: Sir, there are many others in this queue, I am sure have equally important business to attend to, please wait your turn in the queue SB: Do you know who I am ? CIG: No, but I still will serve these people first, they have been in the Queue longer than you, please wait your turn in the queue. SB: Well, F**k you (and storms off) CIG: Sir, (he turns around, thinking he has got somewhere at last), You will have to wait in the queue for that too.
	Wanna learn to Ski - PM me..

Black no sugar Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 04 Dec 04 Location: Somewhere between Brighton and Lancing Online Status: Offline Posts: 3941	Post Options Post Reply Quote Black no sugar Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 07 Feb 05 at 11:31pm
	Hurricane, you might have opened the floodgates here. The mail you posted earlier was the first funny e-mail I received in my first account, back in 1993!! As someone said elsewhere, everything gets recycled Anyway, here's one series: >Where do they get them from? >I went to Tesco’s tonight and used my credit card to pay for £62 of groceries and the woman on the till asked me if I wanted cashback. I requested £50 which she cheerfully gave me. So my shopping really only cost me £12. Who says the supermarkets are ripping us off? >I was also delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was ‘outstanding’, particularly since I can’t even remember sending it in! >Who says doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever. >Note to the manufacturers of Dulux “Once”. I think the word you are looking for is “Twice”. >I visited my GP last week complaining of a sore throat and stiff neck. Imagine my surprise when on being told that I had absentmindedly swallowed a flute! >What a load of rubbish this new ‘foil wrapped bread’ is. It’s supposed to last for 7 days. I ate mine in two. >It’s been said that alternative comedy, and Ben Elton in particular drove Benny Hill to his grave. That is ridiculous. We did. B.Blacklock & sons, Funeral Directors, Southampton. >Psychologists tell us that it is practically unheard of for stalkers to attack the objects of their obsessions. This must be of some comfort to the 50% of The Beatles who haven’t been shot or stabbed. >If moths like the light so much why don’t they simply come out during the day, instead of flapping about outside windows and crashing into car headlights all night long? Besides which, during the day, bats won’t eat them. >They say that football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn’t. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local. I've got plenty more, but not all in the best taste possible Still, I'm looking forward to other postings.
	Lancing SC

sjm. Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Newbie Joined: 05 Apr 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 39	Post Options Post Reply Quote sjm. Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Feb 05 at 3:07pm
	This is simply a joke, but as it was once sent round by e-mail (a long long time ago) I suppose it fits; Prince Charles was driving his Range Rover round the grounds of Buck house, power sliding and handbrake-turning and generally enjoying himself thinking of being king, when one of Her Majesty's Royal Corgis ran out in his path. He tried to swerve, but,alas, a sickening bump and squeal marked the demise of the unfortunate mutt. Charles was beside himself with worry, the dog was dead, outright stone cold type, and been mangled thoroughly in the bargain. "What is one to do?" he fretted "Mother will be furious". Aha! he thought, I'll use the lamp!. For our prince had an oil lamp, passed down by generations of Princes of Wales, which contained a Genie, only to be used in cases of dire emergency. Charles knew it had been used twice already... but he needed it now! Without further ado he took the lamp ( he always kept it handy) and gave it a rub.. Alakazam! The genie appeared. "Who has awakened me from my deepest slumber?" boomed the Genie. "Er, I have, rather" said a nervous prince. "Ooh, 'ello gov'nor, didn't see ya darn there, me minces ain't wot they used to be" (Because not all genies come from Persia) "Wot's the ol' problem then me ol' china?" "well", say Charles, and he points out the dog. "Ooh, aah (sucking in breath noises) cor blimey guv, this looks complicated. I'm good me, but this'd take more than me powers could 'andle. Naw, sorry guv, I dont fink this is a feasibubble proposishon like. Best i can do is 'elp ya bury it an' we'll say it must've ran orf" "well, Ok, that's a plan.. " says Charles, "sorry to have bothered you.." and he makes to put the genie away in the lamp. "Ooh naw mate, I wouldn't be doing that, not if ya want ya wish like. I'm obligated I am to grant ya fird wish see, and if ya don't take it, that's ya lot mate" "Hmm I see... " say the prince "Well, can you make Camilla beautiful?" "Err... lets 'ave another look at that dog" "
	Si Solo 2751 "Jolly Jumper"

Black no sugar Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 04 Dec 04 Location: Somewhere between Brighton and Lancing Online Status: Offline Posts: 3941	Post Options Post Reply Quote Black no sugar Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Feb 05 at 3:56pm
	It's a very good one! Are you related to bigwavedave, by any chance??
	Lancing SC

sjm. Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Newbie Joined: 05 Apr 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 39	Post Options Post Reply Quote sjm. Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Feb 05 at 4:11pm
	Not at all! A friend sends me stuff on a regular basis, here's her latest... take the test!! http://www.dr-joe.net/shemale/Shemale.htm
	Si Solo 2751 "Jolly Jumper"

stuarthop Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 22 Dec 04 Location: Nottingham Online Status: Offline Posts: 1040	Post Options Post Reply Quote stuarthop Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Feb 05 at 8:12pm
	lol


Wave Rider Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 27 Oct 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 909	Post Options Post Reply Quote Wave Rider Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Feb 05 at 8:19pm
	Lol V.good
	-[Franko]- Chew Valley Lake Sailing Club RS600 933

bigwavedave Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 04 Jun 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 944	Post Options Post Reply Quote bigwavedave Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 22 Feb 05 at 6:20pm
	I took the test, and got them all right! A man sees his wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks "What you were begging me to do last night" she replied "I wasn't asking you to COOK MY SOCK"...........