best funny emails

thats good got me a slap off the girlfriend

Edited by stuarthop

Ladies v Real Women

>
> Ladies v Real Women
>
>
> LADIES  - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
> cooking; drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
> for an instant fix-me-up.
>
> REAL WOMEN  - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that's
> too damn bad.  Please recite with me:
> The Real Women's motto:
> "I made it, and  you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes"
>
>         &n bsp;    ************************************************
>
> LADIES  - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
> on  your forehead.  The throbbing will go away
>
> REAL WOMEN  - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.  You
> might still have the headache, but who cares!
>
>         &n bsp;     **************************************************
>
> LADIES  - Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone
> to prevent ice cream drips.
>
> REAL WOMEN  - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
> for Pete's sake.
> You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your feet up
anyway.
>
>         &n bsp;    **************************************************
>
> LADIES  - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
> with the potatoes.
>
> REAL WOMEN  - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry
> about  the potatoes growing arms and legs.
>
>         &n bsp;    **************************************************
> LADIES  - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
> bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
> the inside of the cake.
>
> REAL WOMEN  - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the sonofabitch

> for you.
>
>         &n bsp;    **********************************************
>
> LADIES  - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
> yield a beautiful glossy finish.
>
> REAL WOMEN  - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include
> brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.
>
>         &n bsp;   ***********************************************
>
> LADIES  - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
> dishwashing gloves.
> They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
>
> REAL WOMEN  - Go ask the very HOT neighbour guy to do it.
>
>
>         &n bsp;   ************************************************
>
>
> And finally the most important tip....
>
>
> LADIES  - Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
> Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
>
> REAL WOMEN  - Leftover wine??

>During an adult's english night class, the master say to the
> >students:
> >"Now, you have to make a sentence wich contains the three words
> >"green,
> >pink and yellow"
> >
> >The Italian was the faster:
> >"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green
> >grass
> >and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
> >
> >The Spanish was next:
> >"I wake up in the morning; I eat a yellow banana, a green avocado
> >and
> >in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
> >
> >Last (and lost!) was the French:
> >"I wake up in ze morning, I hear ze phone "green...green...", I pink
> >up the phone and I say "Yellow?"...

Originally posted by TT, who's Lucky I don't live closer Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"

I still maintain that we're not dumb, we live in a parallel reality, that's all.  

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones" "No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself. She heard the strangest thing...
 "breathe in...
breathe out...
breathe in...
breathe out."



Top Ten Inventions By Blondes
The waterproof towel
Solar-powered flash light
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat in a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheelchair
Waterproof tea bags



Why did the blonde wear condoms on his ears?
So he wouldn't get Hearing Aides.


Did you hear about the blonde who thought her typewriter was pregnant?
It was skipping periods.

How did the blonde burn his nose?
Bobbing for french fries.

Why do blondes have big belly-buttons?
From dating blonde men.

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
His I.Q. goes up!

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.

How did the blonde break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.


Think I had better keep my location secret....  though they are not all female jokes, maybe the lifesaver?