best funny emails

Tips for Southerners moving or travelling North - I particularly like No 15.

> 1. Save all your beef fat. You will be instructed later how to use it.

> 2. If you forget a Northerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Love"

> 3. Just because you can't drive on snow and ice does not mean we always

have to give you lifts everywhere.

> 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in  the cab

 of a four wheel drive flatbed  with a 12-pack of Carly Special and a tow chain will

 be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This

 is what they live for.

> 5. Don't be surprised to find video rentals and bait in the same store.

> 6. Do not try to buy fresh pasta. Thump in gob tends to offend..

> 7. If it can't be fried in lard, it ain't worth cooking.

> 8. Remember: "Us" is singular. "Thaa" is plural. "Thaas" is plural possessive.

> 9. There is nothing sillier than a Southerner imitating a northern accent,

> unless it is a northerner imitating a Brummie accent.

> 10. Get used to hearing, "Thas not from round ere, is tha?"

> 11. People walk slower.

> 12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't

understand you either.

> 13. The first Northern expression to creep into a transplanted

Southerner's vocabulary is "me ducks", Eighty-five percent end their new northern

influenced

> dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

> 14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

> 15. Be advised:  "E were a southern bugger" is a legal defence up

here.

> 16. If attending a funeral in the north take your baseball hat off when

> everyone else does.

> 17. If you hear a Northern kid exclaim, "Ayup, come and look at this!"

stay

> out of his way. These are likely the last words he will say before the

> explosion.

> 18. Most Northerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who

do.

> In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a northern licence

> plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

> 19. Southerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's

> windscreen that comes from yelling at other drivers.

> 20. The summer wardrobe you always brought out in April can wait til June.

> 21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most

> minuscule accumulation of sun, your presence is required at the local

> chemist. It does not matter if you need anything from there, it is just

> something you're supposed to do.

> 22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the North. When you purchase one,

> it is to be positioned directly in front of your caravan. This is logical,

> bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the caravan and

> should, therefore, be displayed.

> 23. Blizzards and Northerners going through a divorce have a lot in

common.

> In either case, you know someone is going to lose a caravan.

> 24. Leeds does NOT have a castle, no matter how often you ask us.

> 25. In Northern churches you will hear the hymn, "Come All Ye Faithful".

You

> will also hear expressions such as, "Bugger me, Lord", "God knows", "Jesus

> wept!" and "God help the poor cow ".

> 26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,

directly

> in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a

model

> of vehicle known as a Reliant Robin, and this is the proper speed and lane

> position for the vehicle.

> 27. You can ask a Northerner for directions, but unless you already know

the

> positions of key piles of rubble, canals, coal mines, railway crossings,

and

> where factories used to stand, you're better off trying to find it

yourself.