best funny emails

I've always wondered WHO writes all these mails in the first place. Is there a "Funny email person" somewhere in the English-speaking world, who gets a salary every month to turn up with funny messages?? And who does he / she send them to in the first place??? How quickly does it get to us???

Anyway, back to our topic:

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

And another one, Slightly more profound:

THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee.. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. 

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.  The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." 

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal." 

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

A beginner's guide to sailing R Class

Rigging the boatThe most important thing to remember when rigging your R is to allow no more than 25 minutes between arriving at the club and the firing of the starting gun. Bring absolutely no tools, as these are much more conveniently borrowed from other yachties just as they are heading for the water with the tools safely locked away inside the car. This shouldn't cause too many problems though, as the the keys will be tucked away in the rear bumper, just under the left tail-light (isn't that where you leave yours?). Step the mast and ensure that the rigging tension is just high enough that the jib doesn't quite reach the forestay tag with the crew amputating his fingers on the trapeze wires out the front of the boat. Take a good crack just under the right eye-brow from the flailing jib clew while you thread both jib sheets around the same side of the mast. Ensure that at least one kite sheet runs underneath the prod side stay, and that the spinnaker halyard and prod out-haul go around opposite sides of the jib sheets.

Jump into your wet-suit, which should either be:

a. Unwashed, wet and clammy from last week, smelling like the cat's been in it, or

b. Neatly washed and dried so that you spend 10 minutes hopping about on one leg trying to get the other leg in - whoops, that was the arm hole, pull it all off, try again.

As you forgot your sailing jersey, just wear the one your mother knitted for you for Christmas. One more day's sailing shouldn't hurt it. Pull on your harness and wind up the tension on the shoulder straps until you walk like E.T. (and speak like him too). Leave the centre-board securely locked inside the car (keys just inside the rear bumper etc.), forget to take off the antique watch you inherited from your grandfather and it's time to hit the water.

Launching an R-Class

The boat should be held by the crew in such a way that his royal highness can step cleanly in without getting wet above the ankles. The crew should then proceed out into deep water, just a little bit further than the point at which all traction with the slip is lost. The skipper can take his time to slot on the rudder, a process that will require plenty of instructions to be issued to the crew on just how to hold the boat steady. Having achieved this, you can pop the centre-plate in the slot, grab the main-sheet and depart. The crew should preferably come along as well. He should leap nimbly out of the shoulder-deep water over the high side of the already-heeling R, straight onto the wire and pull in the jib-sheet while ... NO, LET IT GO, f**! sh%@ f&^%, GET IT IN! ON THE WIRE ... Make for the start-line, ensuring you get there in time to bowl in everyone's way right on the pin.

Language

It's worth deviating for a moment to discuss language, and its use on an R Class. All violent activity - tacking, gybing, starting, bagging the kite, twinning the kite, sailing an R Class in Wellington etc. - should be punctuated by appropriate comment from both skipper and crew. It should go something like this: F#$k F#$k F#$k F#$k F#$k Sh&& F#$k Sh&& ... It must really help, because everyone seems to do it.

Starting

It would make sense to start like this: Approach the point at which you want to start with 40-50 seconds to go, dive round to leeward of some unsuspecting victim and round up underneath them on twins with 20 seconds left, hitting the line at full tilt 1-2 seconds after the gun with clear water underneath you. Do not attempt this as a beginner. It really shags other boats off, especially when they are the unsuspecting victims, and a better way to shag them off is this: Hit the committee boat with about 20 seconds to go, and because you don't want to cross the line early, just bear away and accelerate along the line, pushing all others in front of you. You might hear some language like that described above.

The first beatAfter the start, you should be neatly placed in some really bad air. Move well away from your crew and things might smell better. If you don't have a faster boat driving clean over the top of you, take at least 30 seconds to get settled down and twinning properly - there's sure to be someone going over the top of you by then. Everyone knows you have to tack to find clear air, so do this immediately, then tack back in front of a good knot of approaching boats so that they all have to go around your now-stationary boat.

Remember that if an R Class feels comfortable going to windward, you're not pointing high enough or sailing it sufficiently level. Round up until the jib backs, and the crew should ease off the main until the skipper gets washed off the back of the boat. You're sailing it sufficiently level when you can't breath because the water coming off the bow is taking you round the head.

TackingThere is a fundamental rule of R Class: No tack ever feels like it works 100%. If you've just done a tack that worked, don't worry, the next one will be total sh*t.

Take the main-sheet from your crew and say "Tacking" sufficiently quietly that you can't be heard. Leap into the boat, put the helm down and get caught on the wrong side of the boom by your trapeze wire when you can't unhook it. Meanwhile, the crew should be caught about half way over the centre case with feet tangled in the biggest knot of ropes since the last Hang-men's conference. The crew should also fail to get the jib released. When all this is sorted, the crew should yank the jib drum-tight on the next tack, forcing the boat to heel enormously so that the cockpit scoops up 200 litres of water, and go out on the wire, leaving the jib totally over-powering the rudder and the boat going sideways. Recommended communication during the tack goes like this: Skipper - "F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k": Crew - (calmly from the wire as the skipper struggles in the centre of the cockpit) - "What the hell are you doing?". Such comments help a lot.

Bearing away at the top mark

This is impossible. Don't bother trying.

Spinnaker workKite work is simple if you remember a few simple rules. The crew should, as ever, obey the quiet orders of the Transom-Ballast regardless of whether their arms are about to pull out of their sockets. The real magic of course is to be performed by the skipper: When the boat starts to heel to starboard, steer right; To port, steer left; To the front, yell something incomprehensible and follow a parabolic trajectory over the cockpit and head-first through the fore-deck.

If you were twinning up-hill, you should be twinning down-hill as well. This is not as difficult as it seems, as the better you get, the more cash and/or time you can justify spending on buying or building boats and consequently the less prone to nosing-over they become.

There is a common myth that foot-loops for twinning the kite somehow either slow boats down or prevent their yachtsmen from being Real R-Class Yachtsmen. This myth is part of a clever plot devised to ensure maximum frequency of spectacular prangs. If you can get by without them, you must be sailing one of these woosy 30 kg Acid Rock type things. Real Men sail 60 kg of mine-hunting, sub-marining, waterlogged cedar and glass with POLE KITES. Those were the days... If you do have foot-loops, make sure that they hang in such a way that the crew can't get his foot in. If necessary, the skipper can sit on them at the critical moment.

At the gybe, the crew should balance the boat while not allowing the kite to collapse for more than half a second, regardless of the course steered by the skipper. As ever, the skipper will need to continually instruct the crew on what to do next. At the bottom mark, the crew should nimbly leap into the boat and bag the kite before leaping back out on the wire ready to take the main from the poor, exhausted helmsman.

After the raceOne simple rule to remember - never be present when the Clanger needs filling.

So that's how it's done. Now it's time to leave your wet-suit in the cupboard and the spinnaker in the garage and head for the water.

Edited by -nyx-

that last 1s great might have to try it!!!

they are all well good but it toke me well long toread throw them!!