best funny emails

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'

Apologies to all our blonde readers, but I couldn’t resist passing this one on

A blonde on vacation in Darwin wanted to take home a pair of genuine
crocodile shoes but was reluctant to pay the prices the local vendors
were asking.

After becoming frustrated with a shopkeeper's "no haggle on prices"
attitude, she shouted, "well I'll just go out and catch my own
crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

Said the shopkeeper with a knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper drove home, he pulled over to the
side of the bank where he saw the same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky water, shotgun in hand, just as a huge 3 metre croc swam
toward her.

With lightning speed, she took aim, killed the creature and hauled it
onto the slimy banks of the river.  Lying nearby were 7 more of the
dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the
blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward she screamed in frustration, "sh!t, this
one's barefoot too!"

Thought for the day

In tests 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population

On average you have fewer than two legs