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G.R.F. View Drop Down
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    Posted: 15 Dec 08 at 8:10pm
Originally posted by Quagers

Lifted straight of SA lol

Nope, emailed by a pal in the forces.
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Dec 08 at 10:20pm
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.   I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned    into   solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.   What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,   the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.   Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his   young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you had my b**locks cut off'

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kanga View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote kanga Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Dec 08 at 9:59am
Originally posted by Merlinboy

Thats so so wrong!  The one on the right is well ugly!!


Guys, I'm not being funny but thats actually a really sweet story, sorry to ruin the banter, but I think we probably shouldn't laugh at things like this.
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Contender 541 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Contender 541 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Dec 08 at 10:32am
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly  six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.  Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.    

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at  birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in  and named them.                              

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...                

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's
name?'                                          

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow,
that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong  about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '
When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss

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Contender 541 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Contender 541 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Dec 08 at 6:27pm

Women Explained??!!??

When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss

Crew on 505 8780

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radixon View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote radixon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Dec 08 at 12:18pm

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE ..............

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.


NICKNAMES


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY


A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS


A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS


Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
 
SO, send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

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radixon View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote radixon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Dec 08 at 12:19pm
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Contender 541 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Contender 541 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Dec 08 at 9:07pm
True(?)-Weird News stories

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

11. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

12. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

13. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

14. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

15. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

16. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla, in 1981, sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

17. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

18. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

19. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

20. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

21. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

22. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

23. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

24. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss

Crew on 505 8780

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Laser 173312 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Laser 173312 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Dec 08 at 1:39pm

1 liners a la Tommy Cooper

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??

He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet 'Best

Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."

I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood"

I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.

They gave me a Volkswagen Beetle with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue .

I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and

on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."

He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.

She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip

outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.

He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"

He went "Baah"

and I went "Moo"

He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen

on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.

He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved

again.

He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.

The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off

the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't

swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"

I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop I said, "Can I take out The Elephant

Man?"

He said, "He's not your type."

I said "How about Batman Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

 

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MRJP BUZZ 585 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote MRJP BUZZ 585 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Dec 08 at 2:05pm
Some of those are quality!!!!!
Josh Preater

BUZZING IS FUN

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