best funny emails

for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very

long and she lived a considerable distance away. he consulted with his

sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good

quality

gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too

personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a

pair of

quality, fur lined leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the

same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the

assistant mixed up the two items, so the sister got the gloves and Ron

got the

knickers! Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present

in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed you are not wearing any when we go

out

in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen

the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are

easier

to

take off). These are a very delicate shade, and the lady I bought them

from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks

and

they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and she

looked really

smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that they rub against her ring, which

keeps it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began

wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you

the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I

have a chance

to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a

little bit, because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just

imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

Love ,

Ron

P.S I thought you might like to know that my mum likes

to wear hers folded down with a little bit of fur

showing.

The Tomato Factory

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and
three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily
****** an
aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum
wage of
$5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get
you in the
computer. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and
advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a
computer nor
an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand
that to
a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist.
Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech
firm.
Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in
his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25
lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes.

He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the
tomatoes. In
less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating
the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100
and
arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his
family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next
day. By
the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working
into the
night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time,
but before
a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have
left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying
the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community
college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year
he has
a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously
unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time ****** and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks
and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms
that the
boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of
homeless and
jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business
grossed a
million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to
fit his
new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address
in order
to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a
computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you
don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be
today if
you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping
floors at M**rosoft and making $5.15 an hour".

Which brings us to the moral:.........................

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a
janitor than a millionaire.