Edition
Boats for sale
| Laser 28 - Excellent example of this great design Hamble le rice |
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| Rossiter Pintail Mortagne sur Gironde, near Bordeaux |
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List classes of boat for sale |
best funny emails |
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Contender 541 
Really should get out more 
Joined: 05 Dec 05 Location: Burton on Trent Online Status: Offline Posts: 1402 |
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 Topic: best funny emailsPosted: 19 May 07 at 3:09pm |
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Usually when you have a story of this length, it only leads to disapointment. That was class
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When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss
Crew on 505 8780 |
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The Moo
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Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809 |
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Posted: 21 May 07 at 1:20pm |
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A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The Interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years." The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM." The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM,then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?" "This is a council job" the interviewer replies, "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls .......no point in you coming in for that." |
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Prince Buster
Really should get out more
Joined: 15 Dec 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1146 |
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Posted: 21 May 07 at 2:31pm |
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To: Rt Hon David Milliband MP Secretary of State, DEFRA
Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join the "not rearing pigs" business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agriculture Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not reared, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane. Another point is that these pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I didn't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the Government information on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will also qualify for unemployment benefits and I'm sure you can also include housing benefit and exemption from council tax. I shall of course vote for you at the next general election. |
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international moth - "what what?"
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The Moo
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Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809 |
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Posted: 21 May 07 at 6:44pm |
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The Glasgow, or more properly "Glesga", dialect is known to be extremely concise, as so much can be said in so few words. Consider for example, this exchange between a car-driver, and the police officer who pulled him over. Interpretation is provided inside the brackets.
Police officer: Yaw rite? (Are you feeling ill?) Driver: 'maw rite. (No. I'm feeling exceptionally well, thank you) Yeshoor? (Are you entirely certain of that fact?) Aye. (Yes) Zisyoors? (Are you the registered owner of this vehicle?) Zwitmine ? (Which vehicle are you referring to?) Ris caur (The automobile in which you are presently seated) Sibrurn laws (Actually, it belongs to my sister's husband) Wers heeren? (Can you tell me where he can be located?) Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.) Yebeen garglin'. (Have you partaken of any alcoholic beverages, in the recent past?) Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails, prior to dinner.) Yur stoatin'. (It is my considered opinion that you are considerably under the influence of alcohol.) Naw'mno' (I beg to differ.) Ye urstoatin'. (I believe that my initial observation is correct, and that you are being somewhat deceitful.) Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.) Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to inspect your drivers licence?) 'Vno Goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.) Geroot racaur. (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.) Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?) 'Mapolis. (I am a member of the local constabulary.) Ommigoad. (I call upon the Supreme Being, witness this moment of extreme duress.) Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your position behind the steering wheel. Awrite, 'mcomin' (I am proceeding to do so with all possible speed.) Blawris up. ( Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?.) 'Mgonny Besik. (I believe that I am about to be violently ill.) Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to the direction your involuntary emission takes.) 'Mawrite Noo. (Having ridden my digestive tract of an accumulation of nausea-inducing substances, I now feel better.) Getna Paddywagon. (Please be kind enough to accept a short ride in the humble vehicle provided for my use by the local police.) Wer Wigaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to our ultimate destination?) Ra Jile. (To my headquarters, where you will be incarcerated.) Ohmigoad, rawife'll murder me. (Once again I call upon the Supreme Being to witness this unfortunate turn of events. Incidentally, I must inform you that my spouse will take my life, illegally.) Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into the back of my vehicle.) Aw, Neveragain. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable lesson, and I hereby declare total abstinence from all alcoholic beverages hence forth.) |
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The Moo
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Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809 |
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Posted: 21 May 07 at 9:50pm |
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HYPNOTIST AT THE OLD FOLKS DROP IN CENTRE
It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Drop In Centre, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces..... "Sh*t!" said the hypnotist... It took three days to clean up the drop in centre. |
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Calum_Reid
Groupie 
Joined: 09 Apr 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 59 |
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Posted: 21 May 07 at 9:53pm |
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haha
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Hiker
Newbie 
Joined: 11 Jul 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 10 |
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Posted: 25 May 07 at 8:51am |
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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" £124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Ner, nah......he came in heeya to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing." |
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Isis
Really should get out more
Joined: 01 Sep 05 Online Status: Offline Posts: 2753 |
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Posted: 25 May 07 at 11:45am |
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haha... the weegie translation is nothing short of genius!!
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The Moo
Really should get out more
Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809 |
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Posted: 30 May 07 at 5:05pm |
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Wife found this letter on the table.
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!! Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. |
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MRJP BUZZ 585
Really should get out more
Joined: 05 Mar 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1496 |
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Posted: 30 May 07 at 11:11pm |
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BUZZING IS FUN |
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