best funny emails

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney’s Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances.(Einstein’s Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you.(Principle of Dingaling)

Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)

Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring.(Law of Oh my gawd)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring.(Law of Oh,golly gee!)"

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway."(Theory of Absolute Certainty)

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One chap was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third was a chemist, the fourth a computer tech and the fifth was a civil servant. To show off, the engineer called his dog: "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded: "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 biscuits each. Everyone agreed this was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said: "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass and poured exactly 8 fluid ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was a little more than impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it". Hard Drive crossed the room and booted up the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an e-mail and installed a cool new game.

Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the 4 men turned to the civil servant and said: "What can your dog do?"

The civil servant called to his dog and said: "Tea Break, do your stuff boy". Tea Break jumped to his feet, ate all the biscuits, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other 4 dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home on 6 months sick leave.

(BTW I am a Civil Servant)

 thats brilliant!

One of those Legend ones ...
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There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.

It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.

I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back seat. There he was, with no really good view of the incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four different radios. This was good practice for him for when we began flying real missions, when a priority transmission from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult, too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during my entire flying career I had controlled my own transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however. Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.

We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed.

Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground."

Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country's space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that... and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.

Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed.

"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed."

Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.

Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios.

"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."

Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet.

And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion:

"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."

And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.

I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet.

Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke:

"Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?"

There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an everyday request:

"Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."

I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice:

"Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money."

For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the HoustonCentervoice, when L.A. came back with,

"Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."

It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short, memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's work.

We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.

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