best funny emails

courtesy of young master hopson...

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in . Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No". The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"

Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example",
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over
there will  be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people
and over  there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to
different countries". "This one will be extremely hot and arid while
this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large
landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an
exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest,
intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling
the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of
peace.
I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable ice hockey
players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm
putting next to them...."

PASS THIS ON IF YOU ARE CANADIAN!!!!!!!


Edited by PeterJCh

"Hello?'


"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."


***Brief pause***

....

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."



***Brief pause***


....


"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."


"Okay Daddy. Just a minute."


A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."


***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***




***Even Longer Pause***






Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?


 . . .


Is this 486-5731?"

 That IS a good one! Thanks, PeterJCh  

Family Planning Advice...



I wanna thank Gav for this one... hilarious!


Edited by timnoyce