best funny emails

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub > when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the > bar. > > > The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit > > Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. > > Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker. > > Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! > > The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the > better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. > On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. > Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him. > > Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering > what you do for a living? > > Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession > > Dave: - Oh? What's that then? > > Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? > > Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens! > > Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a > pond. Which is it? > > Dave: - It's in a pond! > > Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? > > Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. > > Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a > large garden then you have a large house? > > Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself! > > Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to > assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite > probably married? And with a family? > > Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children. > > Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with > your wife on a regular basis? > > Dave: - Yep! Five times a week! > > Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very > often? > > Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate! > > Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! > > Dave: - How's that then? > > Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about > your sex life! > > Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate! > > Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. > > Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? > > Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! > > Stuart: - What's that then? > > Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? > > Stuart: - Nope > > Dave: - Well then, you're a w**ker >

heheee well you learn something every day...
I still prefer bagsy though

12 reasons to date a sailor:

1. We have strong hands
2. We're not afraid to get wet
3. We love it when it blows
4. We can go for hours
5. We know what to do when things get rough
6. We are good with ropes, knots, and harnesses.
7. We can usually get it back up after a couple of minutes.
8. Any misdemeaners can be protested.
9. We can find the best start position possible in 3 minutes or less.
10. We're great at operating pleasure crafts of any size.
11. We can beat hard for a long time.
12. We're adept at using lube and ticklers.

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us".

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said,

"Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass."

A man reclining on the couch asked,

"Are you the people that broke my window?

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted,

"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses What do you think

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

"How old are you and your husband"/

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said." Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies