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The Moo View Drop Down
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    Posted: 21 Mar 09 at 7:52am
An elderly couple, Helen and Bert, moved to Texas

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some
on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'

Helen looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Helen, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Helen looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression,

Helen replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

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Villan View Drop Down
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Posts: 1768 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Villan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Mar 09 at 8:35pm
Oh gawd .. I've got a fair few of those queued up and ready to go .. but was thinking it would be inapropriate ...

But hey, TT started it ... *Hunts back through IRC Logs for some reasonably forum-safe ones*
Vareo - 149 "Secrets"
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Mar 09 at 8:52pm
Originally posted by Villan

Oh gawd .. I've got a fair few of those queued up and ready to go .. but was thinking it would be inapropriate ... But hey, TT started it ... *Hunts back through IRC Logs for some reasonably forum-safe ones*


But before you do: -

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tree stand early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out to the corn they had spread in the shrub. The buck was magnificent - truly a once in a lifetime animal. Moving quietly but quickly, the hunter carefully aimed his 30-30 Winchester at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend whispered that a funeral procession was passing slowly down the highway. The hunter pulled away from the stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.

His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen you do. You let a trophy deer get away to pay your respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the most sensitive man I have ever known, and I'm
proud to call you my friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Well, we were married for 37 years......"
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Contender 541 View Drop Down
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Posts: 1402 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Contender 541 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Mar 09 at 10:25pm

Not exactly a joke, but it made me laugh
When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss

Crew on 505 8780

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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Mar 09 at 10:02am
A  little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half  an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs  his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts  crying.  'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the  biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man  crying.'

This  is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I  can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important  meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I  found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my  wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the  gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up  the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink  the damn poison.'  



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Solo 2257 - The Joker
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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 09 at 9:27am

A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy smiles and leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop.

"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

"To your house."
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Mar 09 at 10:06am
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says:

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. "

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...smell dreadfully."

The Doctor says "Good, now that we have cleared up your sinus problem, let's get to work on your hearing".






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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Apr 09 at 9:25am
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?", demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?
"It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replied Brian.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian! Wake up, you drunk b*****d, you're shi**ing the bed."
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Captain Morgan View Drop Down
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Posts: 211 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Captain Morgan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Apr 09 at 5:01pm
   Funniest one for ages! Well done The Moo!
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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Apr 09 at 4:53pm

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. 
 
But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.

 


The End

Surprisingly this one was sent to me by my mother-in-law.



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Solo 2257 - The Joker
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