Laser 161752 Tynemouth |
![]() |
Laser 28 - Excellent example of this great design Hamble le rice |
![]() |
Laser 140101 Tynemouth |
![]() |
List classes of boat for sale |
best funny emails |
Post Reply ![]() |
Page <1 174175176177178 195> |
Author | |
The Moo ![]() Really should get out more ![]() ![]() Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Posted: 21 Mar 09 at 7:52am |
An elderly couple, Helen and Bert, moved to Texas
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Helen looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Helen, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Helen looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Helen replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.' |
|
![]() |
|
Villan ![]() Really should get out more ![]() ![]() Joined: 26 Nov 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1768 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Oh gawd .. I've got a fair few of those queued up and ready to go .. but was thinking it would be inapropriate ...
But hey, TT started it ... *Hunts back through IRC Logs for some reasonably forum-safe ones* |
|
Vareo - 149 "Secrets"
TandyUK Servers |
|
![]() |
|
The Moo ![]() Really should get out more ![]() ![]() Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
But before you do: - A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tree stand early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out to the corn they had spread in the shrub. The buck was magnificent - truly a once in a lifetime animal. Moving quietly but quickly, the hunter carefully aimed his 30-30 Winchester at the unsuspecting buck. As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend whispered that a funeral procession was passing slowly down the highway. The hunter pulled away from the stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen you do. You let a trophy deer get away to pay your respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the most sensitive man I have ever known, and I'm proud to call you my friend." The hunter shrugged. "Well, we were married for 37 years......" |
|
![]() |
|
Contender 541 ![]() Really should get out more ![]() ![]() Joined: 05 Dec 05 Location: Burton on Trent Online Status: Offline Posts: 1402 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Not exactly a joke, but it made me laugh |
|
When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss
Crew on 505 8780 |
|
![]() |
|
Status ![]() Posting king ![]() Joined: 10 Nov 08 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 114 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.' Edited by Status |
|
Solo 2257 - The Joker
|
|
![]() |
|
Status ![]() Posting king ![]() Joined: 10 Nov 08 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 114 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" |
|
Solo 2257 - The Joker
|
|
![]() |
|
The Moo ![]() Really should get out more ![]() ![]() Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says:
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. " The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...smell dreadfully." The Doctor says "Good, now that we have cleared up your sinus problem, let's get to work on your hearing". Edited by The Moo |
|
![]() |
|
The Moo ![]() Really should get out more ![]() ![]() Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?", demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here? "It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," replied Brian. "Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian! Wake up, you drunk b*****d, you're shi**ing the bed." |
|
![]() |
|
Captain Morgan ![]() Far too distracted from work ![]() ![]() Joined: 03 Sep 08 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 211 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() |
|
![]() |
|
Status ![]() Posting king ![]() Joined: 10 Nov 08 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 114 |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
Surprisingly this one was sent to me by my mother-in-law. Edited by Status |
|
Solo 2257 - The Joker
|
|
![]() |
Post Reply ![]() |
Page <1 174175176177178 195> |
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions ![]() You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |