best funny emails

   Just received this ans suspect it might be a repost but made me chuckle again all the same.......

The Four Cats 

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. 

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. 

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' 

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' 

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned ! with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. 

Everyone agreed that was good. 

But! the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces, without spilling a drop, into the glass. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. 

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' 

The Government Employee called his cat! and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.' 

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet...... 

ate the cookies........ 

drank the milk....... 

crapped on the paper....... 

humped the other three cats....... 

claimed he injured his back while doing so....... 

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... 

put in for Workers Compensation..............and 

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave........ 

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY YOU SHOULD WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!! 

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The Moo Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Moo Report Post Quote Reply Topic: best funny emails Posted: 27 Feb 09 at 7:59am
	Just received this ans suspect it might be a repost but made me chuckle again all the same....... The Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned ! with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But! the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces, without spilling a drop, into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat! and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.' CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet...... ate the cookies........ drank the milk....... crapped on the paper....... humped the other three cats....... claimed he injured his back while doing so....... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... put in for Workers Compensation..............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave........ AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY YOU SHOULD WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Barty Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Far too distracted from work Joined: 16 Mar 04 Location: Scotland Online Status: Offline Posts: 240	Post Options Post Reply Quote Barty Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 27 Feb 09 at 12:24pm
	One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he Turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they Became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home With her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to Shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young Man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when He grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
	For Topper boats & spares in Scotland-highlandtopper.com

The Moo Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Moo Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 27 Feb 09 at 3:07pm
	OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this Jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open!.'

Status Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Posting king Joined: 10 Nov 08 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 114	Post Options Post Reply Quote Status Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 02 Mar 09 at 5:23pm
	A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Commonwealth Police Drug Department and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off , and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it !' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh1t all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?' The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.' Edited by Status
	Solo 2257 - The Joker

The Moo Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Moo Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 03 Mar 09 at 6:35pm
	As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. INSTRUCTIONS; 1. Make a list of nine friends 2. Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes). 3. Send the carton to the person who is at the top of the list and this letter to the rest. Soon, your name will be at the top of many lists, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos 3,234 good-looking nymphos and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER - BAD LUCK WILL FOLLOW YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS. One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend, moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.) While I am sending this letter, the bloke that was in 6th place above me in my list has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends. PS If you have no wife or girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner. PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon under-take.

Status Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Posting king Joined: 10 Nov 08 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 114	Post Options Post Reply Quote Status Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 04 Mar 09 at 12:28pm
	A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did 'Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well? ' 'Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.' SHE GOT THE RAISE
	Solo 2257 - The Joker

Contender 541 Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 05 Dec 05 Location: Burton on Trent Online Status: Offline Posts: 1402	Post Options Post Reply Quote Contender 541 Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 05 Mar 09 at 6:38pm
	A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked! He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." So they go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6." Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world. "And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."
	When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss Crew on 505 8780

timnoyce Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 05 Aug 04 Location: Hampshire Online Status: Offline Posts: 1991	Post Options Post Reply Quote timnoyce Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 06 Mar 09 at 8:42am
	That's quality
	BEARFOOT DESIGN Cherub 2648 - Comfortably Numb

Contender 541 Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 05 Dec 05 Location: Burton on Trent Online Status: Offline Posts: 1402	Post Options Post Reply Quote Contender 541 Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 10 Mar 09 at 7:34pm
	A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." o the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
	When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss Crew on 505 8780

Contender 541 Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 05 Dec 05 Location: Burton on Trent Online Status: Offline Posts: 1402	Post Options Post Reply Quote Contender 541 Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 10 Mar 09 at 7:36pm
	Disorder in the American Courts These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question? And the best for last? ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
	When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss Crew on 505 8780