best funny emails

Another email received tonight:

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now we are going to Alton Towers. Thanks and Bye."

 

Disclaimer: this short text is purely fictitious and has only been put together during a creative entertainment writing class. It bears no similitude whatsoever to any national, descendant or resident of the Republic of Ireland or of the bit they forgot to attach years ago, whatdjacallit, Ulster. The adjective Irish could, according other cultures of neighbourly arrogance, be replaced, with no fictional ill side-effect, by Belgian, French or Uzbek (although in the latter case, the public would be more targeted).

No animals were harmed during the filming of this joke.
The distributor is aware that chimpanzees are not monkeys but apes, but it's getting a bit late and I'm tired.

Have fun!

Edited by Black no sugar

 The Laws Of The Universe.


Murphy's Law:

        Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

    O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:

        Murphy was an optimist.

    Note: Murphy's Law is non-recursive:-
        Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.


Lawson's Law Of Programming:

        The sooner you start coding your program, the longer it takes.


Cole's Law Of Research:

        Enough research will tend to support your theory.


The Unspeakable Law:

        As soon as you mention something:
        ... if it is good it goes away.
        ... if it is bad it happens.


Howe's Law:

        Every man has a scheme which will not work.


Non-Reciprocal Law Of Expectations:

        Negative expectations yield negative results.
        Positive expectations yield negative results.


Zymergy's Law Of Evolving System Dynamics:

        Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to get a bigger can.


Etorre's Observation:

        The other queue moves faster.


Gordon's First Law:

        If a research project isn't worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.


Scott's Law:

        If the facts do not conform to the theory they must be disposed of.


Boren's First Law Of Tutorials:

        When in doubt, mumble.

Law Of Selective Gravity:

        Objects fall so as to do the most damage.

    Jenning's Corollary:

        The chance of bread falling butter side down is directly
        proportional to the cost of the carpet.


Skinner's Constant (Finnegan's Finagling Factor):

        That quantity which when added to, subtracted from,
        multiplied by or divided through gives the answer you should have got.


Hoare's Law Of Small Problems:

         Inside every small problem is a large problem trying to get out.


The Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences:

        Whoever has the gold makes the rules.


Barth's Distinction:

        There are two types of people:
        Those that divide people into two groups, and those that don't.


Segal's Law:

        A man with one watch may know what the time is, but a man with two watches is never sure.


Ninety Percent Rule Of Project Schedules:

        The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, and the final 10% takes the other 90% of the time.


Farber's Fourth Rule:

        Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.


Launegayer's Maxim:

        If at first you don't succeed - so much for sky-diving.


Mahaffrey's Observation:

        There is no such thing as a large whisky.


Eugene's Theorem:

        Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today
        - if you enjoy it today you can enjoy it again tomorrow.

         Carson 's Observation.

             Don't put off till tomorrow what you can avoid completely.


Simpson's Rule Of Pecuniary Advancement:

        Always borrow from a pessimist - he doesn't expect to get it back.


Unwin's Learning Curve:

        Experience is what enables us to make a new mistake each time.


Jones' Law:

        The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.


The Thinking Rule:

        A badly thought out project takes three times the expected time;
        a well thought out project only takes twice the expected time.


Wood's Third Law.

        Every action has an equal and opposite ulterior motive.


Newman's First Law.

        Every body will remain at rest until the boss gets mad.

 
Anthony's Law Of Force:

        Don't force it: find a bigger hammer.


Parsons’ Law Of Mechanics:

        If it doesn’t work, you aren’t hitting it hard enough.
 
 
Maier's Law Of Practical Work:

        If an experiment works, something's gone wrong.
 
 
Micro Credo:

        Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.

 
Pohl's Law:

        Nothing is so good that someone, somewhere won't hate it.


Sattinger's Law:

        It works better when you plug it in.


Anthony's Law Of The Workshop:

        Any tool when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

    Corollary.

        On the way to that corner, any dropped tool will first hit your toes.


Gray's Law Of Programming:

        'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as 'n' trivial tasks.


    Logg's Rebuttal To Gray's Law.

        'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
 
Paul's Law:

        You can't fall off the floor.


Ehrmann's Commentary:

        1). - Things will get worse before they get better.
        2). - Who said things will get better.


H.L. Mencken's Law:

        Those who can - do,
        Those who can't - teach.


    Martin's Extension:

        Those who can't teach - administrate.


Briggs' Law Of Program Development:

To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program: take your best estimate, double it, add 1 and convert to the next highest units.


Bedfellow's Law:

        The one that snores always falls asleep first.


Jacob's Law:

        To err is human; to blame it on someone else is even more human.


    Dave's Observation:

        To err is human; to totally cock it up requires a computer.


Young's Law:

        All great discoveries are made by mistake.


    Corollary:

        The greater the research funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.


Fletcher's Law of Crying Over Spilt Milk

        The attractive force between any form and a fluid is proportional
        to the form and inversely proportional to the viscosity of the fluid.


     Corollary:

        A grunginess constant is also involved which includes the
        relative colours of the form and fluid, the proximity of the nearest
        sink, towels etc.

Superb.

 

Corollary to Paul's law (you can't fall off the floor.)

Given enough drink it may just be possible

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching policeman has ever seen.This goes on for about 10
minutes.Finally, they both collapse panting on the
ground.The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, " Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Marvellous