best funny emails

These are genuine(?) clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats!!

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other that blew them off.

8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I requested permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it's cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it's a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road: every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single women living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

Thanks BNS

The tea hut will look better for that!

It's time again for the annual Stella Awards! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

So here are the Stella's for the past year: starting in last place....... .....

7TH PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles ,
California , won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE :

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving
a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more.

4TH PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th
Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE :

A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

Hang in there. There are only two more Stella's to go.

2ND PLACE

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a nightclub in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the nightclub had to pay her $12,000, oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE : (May we have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please.)

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid? Or is it just the juries that the lawyers select? PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE A BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD OR HAVE GOOD COMMON SENSE, START SHOWING UP FOR JURY DUTY! PLEASE. !!!!!!!!