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Black no sugar View Drop Down
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Posts: 3941 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Black no sugar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: best funny emails
    Posted: 12 Jan 09 at 11:15am

This thread had dropped down to the second page in the Banter section! Time to revive it.

 

A New Element Discovered!

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert.However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes reorganization. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass." You will know it when you see it...
Lancing SC
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Jan 09 at 12:11am
An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen a lift) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather overweight old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your mother..."
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Contender 541 View Drop Down
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Posts: 1402 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Contender 541 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Jan 09 at 7:54am

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman "have you seen my father?"  The barman replies "Dunno - what does he look like?"
When you find a big kettle of crazy it's probably best not to stir it - Pointy Haired Boss

Crew on 505 8780

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dics View Drop Down
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Posts: 317 		Post Options Post Options   Quote dics Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jan 09 at 12:27pm
A SHORT AND MOVING LOVE STORY
 

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
 
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they  were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in  the lower.
 
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........  
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold - would you mind reaching into the closet to get me a second blanket?" 
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
 
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

 

 


 

 'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f…king blanket.'
     

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
The End.
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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jan 09 at 10:13am

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 
Solo 2257 - The Joker
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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 09 at 9:35am

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 
Solo 2257 - The Joker
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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jan 09 at 10:00am

Not sure how funny this is but:

 1 year ago the Royal Bank of Scotland paid $100bn for ABN Amro.
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>     On today's valuations the amount they paid  could now buy:
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>           Citibank $22.5bn
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>             Morgan Stanley $10.5bn
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>             Goldman Sachs $21bn
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>             Merrill Lynch $12.3bn
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>             Deutsche Bank $13bn
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>             Barclays $12.7bn
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>           And with the change $8bn .....they would be able to pick up
> GM, Ford, Chrysler and the Honda F1 Team.
>
Solo 2257 - The Joker
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jan 09 at 10:05pm
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me
the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will
have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your
eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
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Posts: 114 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Status Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jan 09 at 9:55am

A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees thisHUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guystaring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'The white man faints and falls to the floor.The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give youthe answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. . . ..  Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn Around' !!!!
Solo 2257 - The Joker
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Jan 09 at 5:29pm
Not my own words but: -

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at an event or in the middle of a restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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