best funny emails

These are genuine(?) clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats!!

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other that blew them off.

8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I requested permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it's cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it's a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road: every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single women living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees thisHUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guystaring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'The white man faints and falls to the floor.The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give youthe answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. . . ..  Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn Around' !!!!

Not sure how funny this is but:

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman "have you seen my father?"  The barman replies "Dunno - what does he look like?"