best funny emails

Chav Nativity innit



There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Wot yoo lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah! I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'

Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Beflehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.
They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?
'It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'

Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, mate. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's
Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did
last night..

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to
them, a little vase of freshly picked flowers from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,
squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This
was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a
post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red,
with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast
is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the
morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope
your eye doesn't
hurt too much. See you tonight. I love
you, darling! Love, Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at
the table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting
for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

Old man goes to the chemist

'I'm wanting some viagra, can I get it over the counter?'

'F**k me!’ says the pharmacist ‘how many do you need?'

‘Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

'I'm 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't p**s on my slippers.'

That is Quality BNS

Thats so so wrong!  The one on the right is well ugly!!