best funny emails

Pretty certain that this is a new one

Unpublished letters to the editor, Classic…

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up
about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around
2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would
trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She
was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified
way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from
a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast 

 
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to
reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to
be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate
Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only
was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday
rep to leave the premises immediately.
Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying
with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing
board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless
remark to make than this? Alun Daniel 

 
I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently
parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or
both. Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid
for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them
that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week
next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six
hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I
told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on
Saturday. The shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist.
They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester
Road. Alan J., London

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the
famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he
took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

Originally posted by Contender 541 I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

He may be dead but they definitiely did a personality transplant prior to death with Des Lynam...what a come down for Des - you leave the Beeb and within 10 years you are impersonating Richard Whiteley on Countdown.

Sorry TT. You've let yourself down on that one. Simply not funny.

Windy tonight, we're having building works done and the old conservatory has been knocked down.
Time to draught-proof the house!

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way
to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he
yells
to the bartender, "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
only fair -- given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."