best funny emails

Do you mean 'allegedly metaphors'? Because they are almost all similies .

These are allegedly metaphors from actual GCSE essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first of several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Haha! very good indeed

The discussion thread on ukfilmforum.co.uk was started by a user who wished to discuss the new Batman film. Several other users joined, at which point the discussion seems to have taken off. As one shocked-looking moderator stated, ‘Generally someone will disagree with something said by another forum user, at which point they write ‘batman is gay lol’. The first person usually responds with something along the lines of ‘your mom sucks goat rofl’, then the first person calls the second a bint or a tart, and from then on the messages become increasingly obscene, vitriolic and nonsensical. It’s standard forum etiquette.’

But it appears that the visitors discussing Batman ignored all the well-established conventions, causing offence and some distress to more experienced forum users. One maverick forum visitor commented that he found ‘the directing to be of the highest quality, and Heath Ledger’s final performance worthy of the utmost praise’, while another ‘had certain reservations about the underlying thematic content, but described it as a haunted film that leaps beyond its origins and becomes an engrossing tragedy’. When the writers began to use both upper and lower case on their keyboards, alarm bells rang that the discussion was breaking all the rules of internet chat rooms and moderators quickly moved in to close the whole thing down.

Although some have suggested that this censorship was slightly heavy-handed, the website owner defended his staff, saying “What is the world coming to if four or five angst-ridden teens can’t gain a tiny bit of satisfaction from starting a puerile and meaningless argument with people they’ve never met? It’s what the internet is all about’. One disgruntled user disagreed, saying ‘this kind of gratuitous dumbing-down is exactly what’s wrong with today’s society, and I must protest with the utmost vigour’, before concluding ‘ps – your mom is totally gay lmao!!!!!!’