best funny emails

Originally posted by bigwavedave

   Subject: Flight announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort
to make the
in-flight safety "lecture" and announcements a bit
more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:

1.  On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned
seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having
a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"

2.  On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.  This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3.  On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be
sure to take all of
your belongings.  If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have."

4.  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4
ways out of this airplane"

>>> > 5.  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. 
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

>>> > 6.  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
>>> at Ronald Reagan, a
>>> > lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
>>> fella.  WHOA!"

>>> > 7.  After a particularly rough landing during
>>> thunderstorms in
>>> > Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
>>> announced, "Please
>>> > take care when opening the overhead compartments
>>> because, after a
>>> > landing like that, sure as hell everything has
>>> shifted."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 8.  From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome
>>> aboard Southwest
>>> > Flight 245 to Tampa.  To operate your seat belt,
>>> insert the metal tab
>>> > into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just
>>> like every other seat
>>> > belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one,
>>> you probably
>>> > shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

>>> > 9.  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
>>> pressure, masks will
>>> > descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab
>>> the mask, and pull it
>>> > over your face If you have a small child traveling
>>> with you, secure
>>> > your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you
>>> are traveling with
>>> > more than one small child, pick your favorite."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 10.  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
>>> some broken clouds,
>>> > but we'll try to have them fixed before we
>>> > arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
>>> you, or your money,
>>> > more than Southwest Airlines."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 11.  "Your seat cushions can be used for
>>> flotation; and, in the event
>>> > of an emergency water landing, please paddle to
>>> shore and take them
>>> > with our compliments."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 12.  "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather
>>> all of your
>>> > belongings.   Anything left behind will be
>>> distributed evenly among
>>> > the flight attendants.  Please do not leave
>>> children or spouses."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 13.  And from the pilot during his welcome
>>> message: "Delta Airlines is
>>> > pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
>>> in the industry.
>>> > Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 14.  Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
>>> hard landing in
>>> > Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
>>> intercom and said,
>>> > "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
>>> thinking.  I'm here
>>> > to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
>>> wasn't the pilot's
>>> > fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it
>>> was the asphalt."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 15.  Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
>>> Amarillo, Texas, on
>>> > a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
>>> final approach, the
>>> > Captain was really having to fight it.  After an
>>> extremely hard
>>> > landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
>>> Gentlemen, welcome to
>>> > Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your
>>> seat belts fastened
>>> > while the Captain taxis what's left of our
>>> airplane to the gate!"
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 16.  Another flight attendant's comment on a less
>>> than perfect
>>> > landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
>>> Captain Kangaroo
>>> > bounces us to the terminal."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 17.  An airline pilot wrote that on this
>>> particular flight he had
>>> > hammered his ship into the runway really hard. 
>>> The airline had a
>>> > policy which required the first officer to stand
>>> at the door while the
>>> > passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
>>> for flying our
>>> > airline."  He said that, in light of his bad
>>> landing, he had a hard
>>> > time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
>>> that someone would
>>> > have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten
>>> off except for a
>>> > little old lady walking with
>>> > a cane.  She said, "Sir do you mind if I ask you a
>>> question?" "Why,
>>> > no, Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The
>>> little old lady said,
>>> > "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 18.  After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
>>> the attendant came
>>> > on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
>>> your seats until
>>> > Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
>>> to a screeching
>>> > halt against the gate And, once the tire smoke has
>>> cleared and the
>>> > warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
>>> and you can pick your
>>> > way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 19.  Part of a flight attendant's arrival
>>> announcement: "We'd like to
>>> > thank you folks for flying with us today.  And,
>>> the next time you get
>>> > the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
>>> in a pressurized
>>> > metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 20.  Heard on a Southwest Airline flight.  "Ladies
>>> and gentlemen, if
>>> > you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
>>> airplane is on the wing
>>> > and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 21.  A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. 
>>> After it reached a
>>> > comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
>>> announcement over
>>> > the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
>>> captain speaking.
>>> > Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New
>>> York to Los Angeles.
>>> > The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
>>> should have a smooth and
>>> > uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax...  OH,
>>> MY GOD!" -----
>>> > Silence -----followed, and after a few minutes,
>>> the captain came back
>>> > on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I
>>> am so sorry if I
>>> > scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you,
>>> the flight attendant
>>> > accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap
>>> You should see the
>>> > front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
>>> "That's nothing.  You
>>> > should see the back of
>>> > mine!"
>>> >
>>> >