best funny emails

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

   On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 

"I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. 

They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. 

He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time.

.......No one moves.

.......He removes his shirt.

......Muscles ripple across his chest.

......She gasps...

......He whispers....

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...." 

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The Moo Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Moo Report Post Quote Reply Topic: best funny emails Posted: 10 Jul 08 at 1:45pm
	On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. .......No one moves. .......He removes his shirt. ......Muscles ripple across his chest. ......She gasps... ......He whispers.... "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

Villan Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 26 Nov 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1768	Post Options Post Reply Quote Villan Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 10 Jul 08 at 9:08am
	A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked. Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
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The Moo Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Moo Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 09 Jul 08 at 1:27pm
	A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search. Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' says his seat mate. The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to cr@p all over the place. The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

Jamie600 Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 14 Jun 05 Online Status: Offline Posts: 718	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jamie600 Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 09 Jul 08 at 12:19pm
	A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?' 'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw. They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?' 'Most people are giving about a gallon'
	RS600 1001

Delphina Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Groupie Joined: 05 Oct 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 44	Post Options Post Reply Quote Delphina Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 08 Jul 08 at 6:26pm
	George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!" Successful Sons These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact, that in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, that in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." Edited by Delphina
	Topper 34062 Pico 7110 LSC

The Moo Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 809	Post Options Post Reply Quote The Moo Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 07 Jul 08 at 11:25pm
	Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And pf she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and pf she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

Villan Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 26 Nov 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1768	Post Options Post Reply Quote Villan Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 03 Jul 08 at 9:59pm
	The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
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ratface Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 07 Apr 07 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 686	Post Options Post Reply Quote ratface Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 03 Jul 08 at 11:56am
	Gates vs. General Motors At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like M**rosoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics : 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
	BLYM Hertfordshire Sailing team Uk-Cherub 2644 Laser 4000 -4089

Villan Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 26 Nov 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1768	Post Options Post Reply Quote Villan Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 01 Jul 08 at 8:05pm
	Office Dares ONE-POINT DARES 1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. 2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears 3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry,I really prefer it this way". 4. Walk sideways to the photocopier. 5. While riding in an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 6. When in the lift with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you. 7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy... 8. Don't use any punctuation. 9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh. 10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen. THREE-POINT DARES 1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. 2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. 3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''. 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout,"dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again. 7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout. 8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites. FIVE-POINT DARES 1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave". 4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two". 5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''. 6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour. 7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!" 8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!" 9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist. 11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. 12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 14. While a colleague is writing, grab their pen and throw it out of the nearest open window.
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MRJP BUZZ 585 Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 05 Mar 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1496	Post Options Post Reply Quote MRJP BUZZ 585 Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 01 Jul 08 at 1:12am
	Nice selection, just got to remember therm
	Josh Preater BUZZING IS FUN

best funny emails

George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

Successful Sons