best funny emails

   Just a joke but the only clean one I have received for a while
It's bedtime in the Balloon-family household and Daddy Balloon explains to Baby Balloon that it's time he stopped climbing into Mummy and Daddys' bed through the night.
"Your nearly 4 years-old and I want you to stay in your own bed all night tonight!" says Dad.
In the early hours of the morning Baby Balloon awakes and finds himself all alone in the dark. He stays in bed for as long as he can but his desire to be snuggled up between Mum and Dad is too much so he sneaks into their room and attempts to squeeze in.
Try as he might there just isn't enough room so he creeps around to Mums' side of the bed and very gently unties the knot on top of Mummys head. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.....He releases a little air from Mummy and tries again to insert himself between them.
No good! Still too tight!
He creeps around to Daddys side of the bed and, very gently, unties Daddys knot. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.....He releases some of Daddys air and tries to get into bed.
Still too tight!!
In desperation he reaches up to his own knot. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Success! On his third attempt little Baby Balloon manages to snuggle in between Mummy and Daddy Balloon and goes fast asleep.
At the breakfast table next morning Daddy Balloon is very unhappy and has a few stern words with Baby Balloon;
"I'm very dissapointed with you. You promised me you would stay in your own bed last night and look what happened!
You've let me down! You've let your mother down, but most of all you've let yourself down!!"

Edited by bigwavedave

Author	Message Share Topic Printable Version Delicious Digg Facebook Furl Google MySpace Newsvine reddit StumbleUpon Translate Twitter Windows Live Yahoo Bookmarks Topic Search Topic Options Post Reply Create New Topic
bigwavedave Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 04 Jun 04 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 944	Post Options Post Reply Quote bigwavedave Report Post Quote Reply Topic: best funny emails Posted: 30 Apr 05 at 5:38pm
	Just a joke but the only clean one I have received for a while It's bedtime in the Balloon-family household and Daddy Balloon explains to Baby Balloon that it's time he stopped climbing into Mummy and Daddys' bed through the night. "Your nearly 4 years-old and I want you to stay in your own bed all night tonight!" says Dad. In the early hours of the morning Baby Balloon awakes and finds himself all alone in the dark. He stays in bed for as long as he can but his desire to be snuggled up between Mum and Dad is too much so he sneaks into their room and attempts to squeeze in. Try as he might there just isn't enough room so he creeps around to Mums' side of the bed and very gently unties the knot on top of Mummys head. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.....He releases a little air from Mummy and tries again to insert himself between them. No good! Still too tight! He creeps around to Daddys side of the bed and, very gently, unties Daddys knot. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.....He releases some of Daddys air and tries to get into bed. Still too tight!! In desperation he reaches up to his own knot. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Success! On his third attempt little Baby Balloon manages to snuggle in between Mummy and Daddy Balloon and goes fast asleep. At the breakfast table next morning Daddy Balloon is very unhappy and has a few stern words with Baby Balloon; "I'm very dissapointed with you. You promised me you would stay in your own bed last night and look what happened! You've let me down! You've let your mother down, but most of all you've let yourself down!!" Edited by bigwavedave


stickthin Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Newbie Joined: 26 Feb 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 17	Post Options Post Reply Quote stickthin Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 29 Apr 05 at 2:23pm
	Here is 1 i got today Water Or Coke ??? Which one is the 'Real Thing' ??? We all know that water is important but you've never seen it written down like this before. WATER 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population.) 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study. 5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. 8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? COKE 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. FOR YOUR INFORMATION: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would YOU like a glass of water or Coke?
	Laser Radial 154747

carshalton fc Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 26 Jan 05 Location: England Online Status: Offline Posts: 2337	Post Options Post Reply Quote carshalton fc Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Apr 05 at 9:19pm
	they are all well good but it toke me well long toread throw them!!
	International 14 1503

KnightMare Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 08 Feb 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1682	Post Options Post Reply Quote KnightMare Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Apr 05 at 8:52pm
	oy nikki u stole my Rclass one


stuarthop Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Really should get out more Joined: 22 Dec 04 Location: Nottingham Online Status: Offline Posts: 1040	Post Options Post Reply Quote stuarthop Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Apr 05 at 8:34pm
	that last 1s great might have to try it!!!


-nyx- Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Newbie Joined: 13 Apr 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 5	Post Options Post Reply Quote -nyx- Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Apr 05 at 8:28pm
	British newspaper report on Speed Cameras in Canberra Whoever said us Canberran's didn't know how to have some shenanigans, bally-hoo and tom-foolery..... British newspaper report: Four youths from Canberra, Australia pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its numberplate. After bidding the van operator goodbye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed 17 times. As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself. Go Aussies!! k thats it for now! sry for the lengthyness of it all! hope its all worth it!!
	make madness a way of life! -nYx-

-nyx- Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Newbie Joined: 13 Apr 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 5	Post Options Post Reply Quote -nyx- Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Apr 05 at 8:25pm
	A beginner's guide to sailing R Class Rigging the boatThe most important thing to remember when rigging your R is to allow no more than 25 minutes between arriving at the club and the firing of the starting gun. Bring absolutely no tools, as these are much more conveniently borrowed from other yachties just as they are heading for the water with the tools safely locked away inside the car. This shouldn't cause too many problems though, as the the keys will be tucked away in the rear bumper, just under the left tail-light (isn't that where you leave yours?). Step the mast and ensure that the rigging tension is just high enough that the jib doesn't quite reach the forestay tag with the crew amputating his fingers on the trapeze wires out the front of the boat. Take a good crack just under the right eye-brow from the flailing jib clew while you thread both jib sheets around the same side of the mast. Ensure that at least one kite sheet runs underneath the prod side stay, and that the spinnaker halyard and prod out-haul go around opposite sides of the jib sheets. Jump into your wet-suit, which should either be: a. Unwashed, wet and clammy from last week, smelling like the cat's been in it, or b. Neatly washed and dried so that you spend 10 minutes hopping about on one leg trying to get the other leg in - whoops, that was the arm hole, pull it all off, try again. As you forgot your sailing jersey, just wear the one your mother knitted for you for Christmas. One more day's sailing shouldn't hurt it. Pull on your harness and wind up the tension on the shoulder straps until you walk like E.T. (and speak like him too). Leave the centre-board securely locked inside the car (keys just inside the rear bumper etc.), forget to take off the antique watch you inherited from your grandfather and it's time to hit the water. Launching an R-Class The boat should be held by the crew in such a way that his royal highness can step cleanly in without getting wet above the ankles. The crew should then proceed out into deep water, just a little bit further than the point at which all traction with the slip is lost. The skipper can take his time to slot on the rudder, a process that will require plenty of instructions to be issued to the crew on just how to hold the boat steady. Having achieved this, you can pop the centre-plate in the slot, grab the main-sheet and depart. The crew should preferably come along as well. He should leap nimbly out of the shoulder-deep water over the high side of the already-heeling R, straight onto the wire and pull in the jib-sheet while ... NO, LET IT GO, f*! sh%@ f&^%, GET IT IN! ON THE WIRE ... Make for the start-line, ensuring you get there in time to bowl in everyone's way right on the pin. Language It's worth deviating for a moment to discuss language, and its use on an R Class. All violent activity - tacking, gybing, starting, bagging the kite, twinning the kite, sailing an R Class in Wellington etc. - should be punctuated by appropriate comment from both skipper and crew. It should go something like this: F#$k F#$k F#$k F#$k F#$k Sh&& F#$k Sh&& ... It must really help, because everyone seems to do it. Starting It would make sense to start like this: Approach the point at which you want to start with 40-50 seconds to go, dive round to leeward of some unsuspecting victim and round up underneath them on twins with 20 seconds left, hitting the line at full tilt 1-2 seconds after the gun with clear water underneath you. Do not attempt this as a beginner. It really shags other boats off, especially when they are the unsuspecting victims, and a better way to shag them off is this: Hit the committee boat with about 20 seconds to go, and because you don't want to cross the line early, just bear away and accelerate along the line, pushing all others in front of you. You might hear some language like that described above. The first beatAfter the start, you should be neatly placed in some really bad air. Move well away from your crew and things might smell better. If you don't have a faster boat driving clean over the top of you, take at least 30 seconds to get settled down and twinning properly - there's sure to be someone going over the top of you by then. Everyone knows you have to tack to find clear air, so do this immediately, then tack back in front of a good knot of approaching boats so that they all have to go around your now-stationary boat. Remember that if an R Class feels comfortable going to windward, you're not pointing high enough or sailing it sufficiently level. Round up until the jib backs, and the crew should ease off the main until the skipper gets washed off the back of the boat. You're sailing it sufficiently level when you can't breath because the water coming off the bow is taking you round the head. TackingThere is a fundamental rule of R Class: No tack ever feels like it works 100%. If you've just done a tack that worked, don't worry, the next one will be total sht. Take the main-sheet from your crew and say "Tacking" sufficiently quietly that you can't be heard. Leap into the boat, put the helm down and get caught on the wrong side of the boom by your trapeze wire when you can't unhook it. Meanwhile, the crew should be caught about half way over the centre case with feet tangled in the biggest knot of ropes since the last Hang-men's conference. The crew should also fail to get the jib released. When all this is sorted, the crew should yank the jib drum-tight on the next tack, forcing the boat to heel enormously so that the cockpit scoops up 200 litres of water, and go out on the wire, leaving the jib totally over-powering the rudder and the boat going sideways. Recommended communication during the tack goes like this: Skipper - "F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k": Crew - (calmly from the wire as the skipper struggles in the centre of the cockpit) - "What the hell are you doing?". Such comments help a lot. Bearing away at the top mark This is impossible. Don't bother trying. Spinnaker workKite work is simple if you remember a few simple rules. The crew should, as ever, obey the quiet orders of the Transom-Ballast regardless of whether their arms are about to pull out of their sockets. The real magic of course is to be performed by the skipper: When the boat starts to heel to starboard, steer right; To port, steer left; To the front, yell something incomprehensible and follow a parabolic trajectory over the cockpit and head-first through the fore-deck. If you were twinning up-hill, you should be twinning down-hill as well. This is not as difficult as it seems, as the better you get, the more cash and/or time you can justify spending on buying or building boats and consequently the less prone to nosing-over they become. There is a common myth that foot-loops for twinning the kite somehow either slow boats down or prevent their yachtsmen from being Real R-Class Yachtsmen. This myth is part of a clever plot devised to ensure maximum frequency of spectacular prangs. If you can get by without them, you must be sailing one of these woosy 30 kg Acid Rock type things. Real Men sail 60 kg of mine-hunting, sub-marining, waterlogged cedar and glass with POLE KITES. Those were the days... If you do have foot-loops, make sure that they hang in such a way that the crew can't get his foot in. If necessary, the skipper can sit on them at the critical moment. At the gybe, the crew should balance the boat while not allowing the kite to collapse for more than half a second, regardless of the course steered by the skipper. As ever, the skipper will need to continually instruct the crew on what to do next. At the bottom mark, the crew should nimbly leap into the boat and bag the kite before leaping back out on the wire ready to take the main from the poor, exhausted helmsman. After the raceOne simple rule to remember - never be present when the Clanger needs filling. So that's how it's done. Now it's time to leave your wet-suit in the cupboard and the spinnaker in the garage and head for the water. Edited by -nyx-
	make madness a way of life! -nYx-

-nyx- Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Newbie Joined: 13 Apr 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 5	Post Options Post Reply Quote -nyx- Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 21 Apr 05 at 8:22pm
	One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back and kicked the sh*t out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the kick got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you
	make madness a way of life! -nYx-

KnightMare Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 08 Feb 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1682	Post Options Post Reply Quote KnightMare Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 20 Apr 05 at 11:23pm
	And another one, Slightly more profound: THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee.. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal." Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."


hydrographer20 Send Private Message Find Member's Posts Visit Member's Homepage Really should get out more Joined: 11 Feb 05 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 867	Post Options Post Reply Quote hydrographer20 Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 20 Apr 05 at 11:19pm
	thats rarther funny bns, and yes back to your point about who writes them im sure there must be a job out there that has to think of these, because why would anyone want to willingly sppend apsalutley ages trying to think these up? and there not the sort of thing that u tink of out the blue, i do enjoy reading them tho in my email thing . the salaried peron is doing a good job
	byte me!- GBR 814