best funny emails

Billed as 'Best Wedding Speech ever'.

It starts and finishes brilliantly - and pretty funny all through. Sounds a bit fuzzy so TURN IT Up!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kWQ2rN-EcDE

 A boss wondered one day why one of his absent and most valued employees had not phoned in. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

 

" Hello? "

“Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes," whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your Mommy there?"

 “Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the  boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the  boss
asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, " came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a
helicopter."


Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."ME”

Not having trawled back through the thread to see if this has already
been aired it's a bit of an old one dating back to 2006..

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and
help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.....

 and yuck!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse