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landlocked View Drop Down
Far too distracted from work
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Joined: 06 Oct 06
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 222 		Post Options Post Options   Quote landlocked Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: best funny emails
    Posted: 14 Dec 07 at 10:15pm

STUD ROOSTER

 

 


A
farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old
rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot
handle
ALL of
these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just
let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young
rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up

and I am
taking over."
The old rooster says,

"I tell you
what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken
coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance,
old man.
So,
just to be fair,
I will give you a head start."


The old
rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front
porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the
gap.

He
is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the
front porch
when
he sees the roosters running by.
The
Old Rooster is squalking
and
running as hard as he can.
The
Farmer grabs his shotgun and
-
BOOM -
he
blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his
head and says,

 


"Dammit.....
third
gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral
of this story? ...

Don't
mess with the OLD FARTS -
age,
skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always
overcome youth and arrogance!
Cherub 2535 "Eggbert the Nasty" Soon to be for sale PM for Details
Cherub 2657 "Slippery When Wet"

Don't sail fly Cherub
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Black no sugar View Drop Down
Really should get out more
Really should get out more
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Joined: 04 Dec 04
Location: Somewhere between Brighton and Lancing
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Posts: 3941 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Black no sugar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 07 at 1:48pm

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS

Part 1

 

Part 2

 

 

Part 3

 

Part 4

Part 5

 

 

 
Lancing SC
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Villan View Drop Down
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Joined: 26 Nov 05
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 1768 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Villan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 07 at 4:36pm

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Pauline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees


DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th November

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during day light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!


Pauline.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director


DATE: 9th November

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

 
Vareo - 149 "Secrets"
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landlocked View Drop Down
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Joined: 06 Oct 06
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Posts: 222 		Post Options Post Options   Quote landlocked Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 07 at 7:14pm
Colonoscopy


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

 

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
 happen."

 


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."





"I should be in charge," said the stomach ," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

 

  "I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

 

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

 

   "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?  Even though the others do all the work,,,


The a**hole is usually in charge
Cherub 2535 "Eggbert the Nasty" Soon to be for sale PM for Details
Cherub 2657 "Slippery When Wet"

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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Dec 07 at 8:41am
[QUOTE=Black no sugar] WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS



I work with a bunch of engineers. Urine extraction has now commenced!!!
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Posts: 9 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Catt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Dec 07 at 11:47am

THE ANNUAL SMACK THE PENGUIN GAME IS BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!

1. Click on the link below.
2. Click once on the snowman to activate the penguin
3. Click again on the snowman to hit the penguin as he descends from the cliff.

Click here: Smack the Penguin
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tmoore View Drop Down
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Posts: 880 		Post Options Post Options   Quote tmoore Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Dec 07 at 12:56pm

what did other people get???

my best is 322.9
Landlocked in Africa
RS300 - 410
Firefly F517 - Nutshell
Micro Magic RC yacht - Eclipse
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Posts: 9 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Catt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Dec 07 at 1:11pm
I only got 318, there goes any hope of getting any work done this afternoon now!
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Far too distracted from work
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Posts: 222 		Post Options Post Options   Quote landlocked Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Dec 07 at 1:41pm
321 with bounces 305.6 in one go no bounces
Cherub 2535 "Eggbert the Nasty" Soon to be for sale PM for Details
Cherub 2657 "Slippery When Wet"

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