best funny emails

Saw them prove this was possible on mythbusters. Must have hurt quite badly

I was a mere twinkle in my father eye in the late seventies... just goes to show that nothing is original these days!

made me chuckle though

And the Corries sang about it....

Subject: FW: Prob the funniest email I've ever read

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
 
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
 
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
 
The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
 
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
 
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
 
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
 
 DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win.
What is your name? First only please.'
 
Contestant: 'Brian.'
 
 DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
 
 Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
 
 DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
 
 Brian: 'Sara.'
 
 DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
 
 Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
 
 DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
 
 Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
 
 DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
 
 Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
 
 DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
 
 Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
 
 DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
 
 Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
 
 DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
 
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
 
 DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this =
morning?
 
 Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
 
 DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
 
 Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for couple of weeks...'
 
 DJ: 'Uh huh...'
 
 Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
 
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
 
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
 
 DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and
call her up.
 
 You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
 
 DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
tones.....ringing....)
 
 Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
 
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
 
Clerk: 'This is she.'
 
 DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
 
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
 
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
 
Sarah: 'No.'
 
DJ: 'Good!'
 
 Brian: (laughing)
 
 Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
 
 Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest.'
 
 DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
 
 Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
 
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
 
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
 
 DJ: 'What time?'
 
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
 
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
 
 Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
 
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
 
 Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
 
 DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
 
 Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
 
 Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
 
 DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
 
 Sarah: 'Well...'
 
 DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
 
 Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'
 
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!'
'Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies. 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Tesco Club card points as well'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:
i) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
ii) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
iii) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
iv) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
v) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
vi) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco